Intense Feelings, Faulty Perceptions, Poor Choices

Today, with the understanding I have of how the Disease of Addiction affects me, I am able to understand why I made choices I did throughout my life. While I was actually going through many of the major events and  personal problems in my life , I couldn't see that I was making some poor decisions based on bad information from faulty perception. The disease makes it very difficult for me to think "correctly" whenever intense feelings come into play. It distorts my view of myself, of others, of the world, and of reality, and at the same time..it tries to convince me that I'm seeing things very clearly which, of course, isn't true. My beliefs and actions are dictated by faulty perception. The way to treat this disease is to first, stop using drugs..using is like pouring gasoline on a raging fire..and then develop coping skills and a spiritual way of living, which reduces the intensity of feelings, and therefore corrects faulty perceptions. There is no known cure for this disease, but the symptoms can be arrested. Drugs always intensify feelings..or numb them..so either way, I'm not seeing anything the way it really is when I'm using. I had felt so much intense pain after the murder, that I nearly killed myself trying to stop it. Now, that pain was back..and I was also coping with the fear, frustration, and pain that resulted from the banned record, instability in the band, my brother's sabotage, and the feelings that resulted from those things..and Patti's ultimatum promised more pain and consequence, no matter what I decided. I used a lot of drugs just trying to survive my feelings..and the problem with that was..I was making life-altering decisions in that state of mind..and everyone else in the band was too..and though success  seemed so close..it seemed to be getting further away..and I had no idea what the reality was. I was scared..I couldn't handle any more pain. I knew if I could just survive this for one more month..the pressure would be gone..because we'd be signed..so I just tried to hang on..but I was hanging on to the wrong things..and I couldn't see it..