The Pain of Self-Doubt

After the breakup of Avalanche, the awareness that I had alienated Annie, a good friend and powerful ally in my life...because I thought I was in love with someone who had quickly brought chaos and pain into of my life...and which had probably contributed to me, and many other people, from seeing the realization of a dream...the band's success...was very difficult for me to accept. I couldn't believe how wrong I had been about my perceptions of those two women...and how that had resulted in such monumental consequences. I started to think that my ability to see things clearly had always been faulty, and that Avalanche, and my perception of it, had been a fantasy that I had made real in my mind. Today, I believe Avalanche was exactly what it was...an extremely good band. I have always had a tendency to doubt myself and my choices, even when I have made really good ones. Second guessing myself is a reflex...it is the nature of the disease of Addiction. Self-doubt, low self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy, judgment of self and of others...are all clear symptoms of the disease...and they all create a lot of uncomfortable feelings...and since the disease is about oversensitivity to all feelings...my self-doubt was huge. My actions and their consequences were undeniable...and although I knew that I had sabotaged myself, denial of that, another symptom of the disease...took hold. I chose to focus much more on the very obvious sabotage I had experienced at the hands of my brother. The pain of self-doubt, rage, betrayal, frustration, and of loves lost in many different areas of my life created an overwhelming feeling of defeat and self-loathing which sent me headlong back into pain relief. I used  substances that I knew worked best for pain...opiate-based narcotics. It was an unmistakeable slide back into opiate addiction...I guess it had never really stopped...as I said, I had mistakenly believed that I only had a problem with one specific drug...when the truth was, I had a problem with me, and would use anything to not feel those feelings. As my Percodan and cocaine use spun out of control, I was about to get into an extensive period of abusing a new substance for me...Opium...and from there...it is a very short trip to heroin.  

Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde

As the drug use escalated to absurd levels in the next few months, the toll it began to take on Patti was rapid, and impossible to overlook. She'd stay up all night...or was afraid she'd miss some cocaine if she was working. As she became more obsessed with the drugs, her behavior and personality became erratic. As an employee, she had become unreliable. She would fail to show up when scheduled to work, sometimes missing more than a week at a time. When she did go in, it was for a day or two...and then she'd miss four or five. And when she wasn't at work...she was doing cocaine, using it in amounts that even I thought were crazy. She'd do whatever I gave her...and then demand more. Many times, after being up for days, I would tell her it made no sense to do any more...that it was costing me a fortune, just so she could stay awake. I would go to sleep...with her pouting...only to be awakened by her an hour later...in a tantrum...and I'd have to give her a few grams just to shut her up. The relationship was reduced to simply using. She began stealing narcotics from her work too, and I realized that it was only a matter of time before there would be legal consequences for both of us, if she remained in my life. It felt like I was Dr. Jekyll, and I had created a Ms. Hyde, and self-preservation became a real issue for me. We would argue all the time, and finally I had to tell her to move out...for her good as well as mine. She threatened to turn me into the police if I even thought about breaking up with her...and I told her that "two could play that game." It got very ugly. Ultimately, I had to have her Mom come to take her out of my house, but for months after that, she would show up at my door at 2:00AM, screaming about my business. She didn't care if neighbors heard her, and I was forced to open my door to her, just to make her stop. She was like a bad penny...she just kept showing up. It took seven more years to get Patti completely out of my life, and the experience was nightmarish...as much for her, I think...as it was for me. Patti never really regained the quality of life she had enjoyed when I had met her, and even now, although I know she made her own choices...I feel partially responsible for her slide into addiction...

Trying to Fill The Void

After three years of nearly non-stop activity, the breakup of Avalanche left me with an incredible amount of down-time and boredom, and in the defeated state of mind that I was in, that was about the worst possible scenario...with my history of addiction and dealing. Drugs were a normal part of my day to day life anyway, and since I had built my business up to finance the band, the fact was...they were never in short supply. As long as I had a purpose, and the drive to succeed with Avalanche as my primary motivation, I hadn't had to deal with the issues of the murders, my addiction, and the consequences that had resulted in my life from them. But now there was a huge void...the entire focus of my life and the reality that I had been living for three years was gone...literally overnight. A truly meteoric rise, and a fast demise...again. It was too familiar. I was feeling tired, angry, defeated, betrayed, frustrated, and confused. The band, which had really been my family for three years...was gone too, and the loss of so many people I had been very close to for so long, left me feeling very alone and empty. Even the feeling of validation and love that I had felt from audiences was now a rapidly fading memory. And all of my old pain was back, too. I was grateful that I had three really close friends in my life at that time. Bruce, my friend, partner, and housemate...Patti, who had moved in with me....and finally...the drugs which had always been there for me. And the four of us started to hang out a real lot together...along with Bruce's girlfriend Laura, who eventually moved in with Bruce. Using was the only mechanism I knew to take away the pain I was feeling, and to try to fill the vaccuum I was experiencing in my life. The four of us would party non-stop for days, doing huge amounts of cocaine, pot, champagne, opiates...whatever. I remember Bruce and I splitting thousand tablet jars of Percodan, and then us needing more...three or four weeks later. Our idea of a party would be to start getting ready to watch Saturday morning cartoons...on Thursday night. Bruce and I had grown very close over the three years that Avalanche had been happening, and now we were spending nearly all of our time hanging out together. Neither of the women at the house were capable of keeping up with us...but unfortunately, they tried...

Mark and Barry Pull Away

It was very apparent that all of us were very wounded by what had happened. In the weeks that followed Charles' departure, I saw and heard very little from Mark and Barry. I understood how they felt, because I was reeling from all of it too, but I think I was beginning to feel that they, too, blamed me for a lot of what had happened. As a band leader, I guess it was my responsibility to fix problems, not create them, and I had made mistakes...but as much as I wanted to find a solution to this problem, the only solution that presented itself wasn't a pleasant one. The reality was that the most difficult parts of creating Avalanche music were still intact. Mark and I had written all the music for the band. Mark and I did all the vocal work. Our guitar playing was the core of the musical identity that made our music so distinctive. The three of us had rehearsed for so long, and were so tight, that in time, especially with our reputation, we could have replaced Charles...but the unpleasant part of that was that it would have definetely taken time. The essence of our music would have survived. It would have been different, but it also might have even been better, at the very least from a stability point of view, since Charles had created most of the internal instability in the band. The equipment, the crew, the radio support...all of those essential elements were still intact. But when it became very obvious that Mark and Barry weren't calling or visiting, and weren't expressing any willingness to try to go on without Charles, I realized that even though we probably could have survived Charles' departure...it didn't feel like there was a "we" anymore, and I was too tired and felt too defeated to keep Avalanche going by myself. When I did try to communicate with them...to the best of my recollection...they indicated that they were done with it, and that they just couldn't go through that process again. Although I understood how they felt, I also knew that the process would have been much easier than it had been the first time, because so many things were already in place that hadn't been the first time. But by the time a month had gone by, I knew that it was really over...and my mind just kept telling me..."fuck everything"...

Estrangement and Hostility

As the reality of what Charles' departure from Avalanche really meant, started to sink in..the prevalent feeling amongst all the members of the group went quickly from disappointment to anger. It was hard to come to grips with the fact that an impossible dream, so close to being realized, was instantly dashed by the irrational decision of one person. Everyone was angry...and that anger seemed to be flying in all directions. I was furious with Charles and my brother...Mark and Barry were furious with Charles, Charles was somehow angry with me, which was very odd, because he had made the choice which had brought an end to this dream...not me. It was as if he blamed me for his decision. I knew I had made some choices that had created some real problems for us, but I never saw them as insurmountable problems. The fact that Charles did see them that way was his perception, his choice, and the end result...was his to own. I believe Charles realized quickly that it was a very bad choice, but his pride wouldn't allow him to admit that, or reconsider his decision...and that was what he was really angry about. I can't say that for sure...but it felt like he wanted something from me that would give him a way to "save face." I let him know many times after he had quit, that all he had to do was come back, and all would be forgotten. He always refused, but stayed angry. He claimed he couldn't play his best with Barry drumming, and that problem wasn't going away. I thought that was a bullshit excuse. I thought that if it had been real, it would have been an issue long before this. But there is a possibility that there was some truth to that statement, and may have been a partial factor in Charles' decision. Charles had said many times to me that he found playing with Barry difficult, at times. Although I knew there were drummers that would have fit better with Charles, and with my original vision for the band, I absolutely felt that the public response to our music had made that a non-issue...and the benefits of bringing Barry on board when we had were too huge to ignore then...and to unfair to consider now, this far along in the process...not to mention the effect it would have had on Mark, and on the band's trust and faith in my sense of loyalty or fair play, in general. To make a change in that area at that time would have made everyone question how secure their positions were, or how real my desire for a close-knit unit really was. If there was anything else I could have done or said to bring him back to the band, he never let me know what that might be, and that made me  very angry...because I think I would have done just about anything at that point to have "fixed" this situation...but that door never opened. It got to the point that we couldn't speak to each other, and being in the same room with him made me very uncomfortable...and estrangement grew into hostility...    

Treachery and Betrayal

As the shock and disbelief slowly turned into the realization that this was really happening...all I could feel was incredible rage. I was furious with Charles, and his total rejection of the facts, and the band. But I was livid about my brother's treachery and his betrayal. This had transcended anything I could have ever imagined in my wildest dreams, and it was all happening because of a sibling rivalry I have never understood. This wasn't just irresponsible or unprofessional, or inconvenient. This was life-changing. I have never felt pain like that ever in my life, and today, nearly twenty five years later, the wound hasn't fully healed. I have spent a great deal of time trying to fathom how a twin brother could be so destructive and vicious, without the slightest concern for the repercussions this would have on my life in particular, but also in the lives of the many other people he claimed to be friends with, but whose dreams he had just shattered...and on the brink of those dreams being realized. The wound cut so deep, that it reopened all of my old wounds...still unhealed, but now freshly salted. The old rage was back too. But the pain and the rage were now so magnified, and so overwhelming that I have to say I felt as though I wanted to die. I felt totally used up, spent, and defeated..savaged by a person I thought had been incapable of such malice, after all, we were only nine minutes apart in age, and had shared the bond that only twins understand, for many years...before this pattern of destuction had appeared. The only thing my brother said to me when I asked him how he could have done this, was ..."hey, you guys were just a local band". That was the closest I have ever come to inflicting real violence in my life...but somehow I controlled myself long enough to walk away...and I think it was at that moment...I just quit caring about myself or anything else. For years to come, my brother would prey on me like I was a wounded animal, using and abusing me...because I let him...I had no self-respect anymore...and the downward spiral of addiction exploded in my life again...with a vengence.

A Failure to Comprehend

After Charles had left my house, I don't think I really believed what I had just heard. I couldn't believe that Charles would walk away from a band that he had a three year investment with...a band that had four albums of killer original material ready to go...a band with $75,000.00 worth of concert stage gear..a band of close friends with a great reputation and unlimited potential...not to mention the support of a dozen prominent radio stations and the public...to play in a local band with no equipment, no original music, and playing strictly cover songs in small bars, and with no chance for a recording contract or a shot at the level Avalanche was already at...it was like taking twenty steps backwards...and it was so completely senseless that I couldn't comprehend Charles would actually stick by this decision. I thought he was either drunk or hungover, and in a day or two he would come to his senses. I wondered how to break this news to the eight other people whose lives would also be profoundly affected by this ludicrous choice, if Charles was actually serious. I knew he had seemed serious when he had told me, and I knew that Charles could be incredibly stubborn and inflexible if he made up his mind about something. But this was so counterproductive to his own goals and aspirations that I thought it was a momentary lapse of reason. I called Mark, Barry, Bruce and Mark Brett, and told them to come to my house. When they got there I told them what had happened. There was stunned silence, and the air was thick with disbelief. I knew that a lot of what was happening was because Charles was reacting to me...so I asked all of them to make an effort to talk to Charles, to see if they might have more luck in getting through to him than I was having...after all his decision affected their lives, too. I hoped they would be able to appeal to Charles' sense of friendship and loyalty, because facts and logic hadn't done the job when I had tried. A few hours later they all checked in with me by phone, and one by one, they all told me the same thing...Charles wasn't changing his mind. There was no ultimatum, no apology, no wiggle room, and no opening to even negotiate a different outcome...and I knew that Avalanche as we had known it...was history.  

The Motives Revealed

Avalanche was poised in exactly the right place, at exactly the right time, with exactly the product that the public was waiting for...and those kind of things occur in the music business about as frequently as a planetary alignment...maybe once in a lifetime. I knew in my heart that if this band didn't survive, the chances of me ever having another band in that position again would be remote, at best. As in any sucessful business venture...it is all about the timing. Many people have described Avalanche music as "Classic 80's rock"...and it was early 1980. We were ahead of the curve. We were doing exactly what many 80's bands got famous doing...and we had been doing it in 1978. When AC/DC hit big in 1981, with their album "Back In Black" it was quite different from what they had recorded previously, but sounded very similiar to what we had been doing, and they had paid attention to us. I always wonder what might have happened if I had been able to convince Charles to just hang in with the band. But I couldn't. Charles wasn't receptive to anything I had to say. It was obvious from the minute he arrived that he had made up his mind. Two days earlier I had questioned his judgment, bruised his ego, and had, in effect, challenged him. Charles told me he was leaving the band, effective immediately. He had received a better offer from a band that was working regularly. My first thought was that I had been right all along...that he had been in New York to audition with a group. When I asked him the name of this new band he was joining...the last thing I expected was what I heard. After talking for two months with the leader of this band, Charles had joined the new band the day before. The decision was final, and nothing I could say would change his mind. I almost fell down when Charles told me that the band he was joining was the band my twin brother was leading, that I had started for him over a year earlier. I finally understood the motive behind my brother's sabotage of Avalanche. He had planned this from the day he had asked for exclusive booking of the band. He wanted Charles in his band, and he didn't care what it took to get him...even if it meant destroying everything we had worked for...and even if it meant destroying my life in the process...

Charles Calls It Quits

Two days later, I got a call from Charles. I asked him what it was about, and he told me he had made a decision to leave Avalanche. The words cut me like a knife. I started to try to talk to him...but then decided it would be much better to have this conversation face-to-face. While I waited for him to arrive, I realized that this dream I had worked so hard to make happen was crumbling. I thought of all the work we had all  done...the staggering  investment in time, energy, sweat, money, and spirit...and the truly amazing things we had already accomplished in such an incredibly short time. There have been very few bands that I have ever heard of that had been able to do what we had done..without the benefit of major label support...and we had done it very well. In the three years since I had first conceived Avalanche, I had spent over $100,000.00 on equipment and studio time, and had amassed a warehouse full of state-of-the-art gear that rivaled that of some of the world's best bands. I had hand-picked a group of musicians and crew that I would have been comfortable working with for many, many years. I had created my own record label, and my own publishing company. As a group, we had written nearly four albums worth of excellent original material, and nearly all of those songs were potential hit records, or at least very strong album cuts...and we had done that before ever playing one gig. Most groups struggle to produce follow up material to a strong debut album, but Avalanche had eliminated that concern by producing so much first class material before ever recording, that we would have had years to make sure we could have written new material that would have shown growth and depth...without the pressure from a record label to crank out a mediocre product, just because another record was due. We had consistently sold out live concerts on the strength of our material and our show, and in support of nationally known headliners that we had always held our own with...and all of those gigs had happened in the first eight months since our live debut. And as I contemplated all these facts...I couldn't believe that a close friend who had been a part of it all from very early on...was about to end it all. There was no reason I could find that made any sense of it...and I kept hoping against hope...that I could change Charles' mind. 

Putting It All On the Line

It wasn't until Monday that I was finally able to track down Charles. Wherever he had been, he was back. I was still very angry over the weekend I had just been through, and I knew that when he came out to the house, the conversation was bound to be an unpleasant one. I wanted to hear what he had to say first. I was curious if he would tell me the truth about where he had been and what he had been doing. When Charles got to my house, I was grateful he had come alone, because when he was alone, I stood a better chance of finding out what was really going on with him. I told him exactly what I had heard, and I asked him if that was true...and if not, where had he been, and what had he been doing? He told me that he and Nick had just gone away to party for the weekend and that was it. He inferred there had been no band, and no audition...but he never actually said that. I realized that for whatever reason, Charles was not in another band at that moment, and I felt relief about that, but I still felt he was lying to me. Bonnie would have never let Charles and Nick go off to New York City for a weekend of partying...it made no sense. I wondered if Charles had found that Avalanche was a better band than the one he went to check out...or maybe he just wasn't the guy they had been looking for...but the truth is, I never found out what really happened that weekend. Maybe he went to the city to find out from Annie what she felt about the band's future. Maybe he was there letting off steam. I really don't know. All I really knew was how insecure I felt. I laid it all on the line with Charles...telling him I couldn't believe that he could even consider making a choice like that...without knowing if he had even made that choice. What I tried to make him see was...if he had auditioned for another band...he wasn't thinking straight. That was a big mistake. Instead of reminding him what we all had at stake, I accused him of something I assumed had happened, but may not have actually happened at all. I felt like I had averted a crisis. But I think all I really succeeded in doing was to challenge Charles' right to be the master of his  own destiny. I think I might have pushed Charles to make a choice he may not have otherwise made...but I'll never know...and I have regretted it to this day.

Fueling the Fires of Discontent

As I sat in my house, fuming about the news that Charles had sneaked away to audition for a new band, I tried to handle what I was feeling...the only way I knew how to...by getting loaded. The higher I got, the more I focused on my feelings...and my disappointment. I  didn't even think about what Charles was feeling, or what was happening with him that could have driven him to do this. When I look back on it now, I understand it a lot better. Charles needed to be playing...and we weren't...my brother had seen to that. Charles needed to see progress and momentum...and the second record being banned had temporarily killed that. Charles needed to feel hopeful...and my breakup with Annie, and the loss of her agency's support had probably dashed a lot of his hopes about us being signed quickly...which would have fixed those first two problems. And Charles needed to be coddled and stroked, and I had been doing that for so long...I had gotten very tired of having to constantly keep doing that...it was exhausting...and it was taking a lot of my energy and a lot of my money...that both could have been better used to help us get back into the studio, and back on track with the radio stations, the public, the clubs, and the managers. As I got good and worked up that weekend, I forgot just how fragile Charles could be...and that I needed him more than he needed Avalanche, and that the best way to deal with this was to just understand his frustration...let him vent...and then tell him we were going back into the studio to make a new record. But I kept thinking that would never happen now...because it seemed like Charles was as good as gone...and that was not true...it was faulty perception again...that I had made completely real in my mind. The way I chose to deal with this was totally wrong...I just couldn't see it...then. It seems so clear, in hindsight. Instead of trying to embrace Charles and let him know just how much I valued his friendship, and how vital an asset to the band I considered him to be...I was getting ready to attack him for what he was doing. My pain, the drugs, my righteous indignation, and my fear, were fueling my faulty thinking...and they were about to fuel Charles' discontent, and his loss of faith in me...and in the band.

Thinking the Worst

From the moment I heard from Bruce that Charles was in New York City, auditioning for a new band, I was panicked. If this was true, it would be a band-breaker. I must have called Bonnie twenty times that weekend looking for Charles, but I just kept being told that she didn't know where he was. That just made me more paranoid, because Bonnie always knew where Charles was...she didn't trust him to be faithful. If she was telling me that... then she was lying, and if she was lying to me about that...then the rumor had to be true...or she would have been grilling me...about how to locate him. I knew that events were happening very fast that I had no clue about...and that made it very hard to have any strategy to counteract those events. I kept wondering "what band is he auditioning for?"...and I knew that there were very few bands that Charles would not be hired to play in if he went after a job. I was convinced that by the time I found out the answer to that question, it would be too late for me to do anything about it. And if that happened, the damage to Avalanche would be fatal. Charles not only brought incredible musical talents to the band, but he also added to the band's overall credibility as a serious act...because he had left a nationally known band from Chicago, as well as having earned two Platinum Album awards for his work on two Steve Miller albums..."Fly Like An Eagle" and "Book of Dreams". It raised the public perception of the band to a level where we  weren't considered local at all, and if Charles were to leave, replacing him with a musician of his caliber and status was going to be next to impossible. I didn't know anyone who I thought could take his place, and even if I had, I wasn't sure any of us could go through the process of starting all over again in rehearsals...although with the right guy, we would have probably done it. I knew I already had the right guy...and it felt like I was losing him. As the weekend went on, I got increasingly worried, angry, and high...and that is not a very good combination for rational thinking. All I knew was, that when I finally did find Charles...he was going to have a lot of explaining to do...

Where's Charles?

A couple of days after the Ballroom date in West Hartford, I knew that the only chance I had to get this band back on track was to get us back into the recording studio as soon as possible. We had the support of many New England radio stations, and just because we had made a mistake in our choice of songs for our second record didn't mean that had changed. I knew we had many potential hit records in our repertoire, and with radio airplay, re-establishing momentum through audience interest would naturally create a demand for the band to appear in concert, and that would overcome all the problems we were currently facing...even the sabotage. The music business is like any other business...if a product is "hot" and has the ability to make money for people...that product will find a way to the market...no matter what the obstacles may be. I knew there would be someone out there who would be able to pick up the ball, and I knew a new record was the best way to make that person show up. I was getting ready to make a trip to East Hartford to pay off my outstanding studio bill, and to set up a recording session to begin that process when Bruce came home and told me he had just heard some disturbing news from Mark Brett. These guys were both  Avalanche crew, and very close friends of mine, and I trusted both of them completely. Mark was especially close with Charles, from all the time he had been a roadie with the Chicago band Charles had played in before Avalanche. Mark had told Bruce that he had heard Charles and Nick were in New York for the weekend...to audition for a job with a new band. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I had not been told Charles was even considering this...by Charles or anyone else, and it came as a real shock to me. I couldn't understand how Charles could even consider that, after nearly three years of hard work, and the amazing potential the band still had to succeed. I got on the phone and called his house, and got Bonnie, who said Charles wasn't home, and that she didn't know where he was. And for two days, my only thought was...where's Charles...and what is he doing?