Estrangement and Hostility

As the reality of what Charles' departure from Avalanche really meant, started to sink in..the prevalent feeling amongst all the members of the group went quickly from disappointment to anger. It was hard to come to grips with the fact that an impossible dream, so close to being realized, was instantly dashed by the irrational decision of one person. Everyone was angry...and that anger seemed to be flying in all directions. I was furious with Charles and my brother...Mark and Barry were furious with Charles, Charles was somehow angry with me, which was very odd, because he had made the choice which had brought an end to this dream...not me. It was as if he blamed me for his decision. I knew I had made some choices that had created some real problems for us, but I never saw them as insurmountable problems. The fact that Charles did see them that way was his perception, his choice, and the end result...was his to own. I believe Charles realized quickly that it was a very bad choice, but his pride wouldn't allow him to admit that, or reconsider his decision...and that was what he was really angry about. I can't say that for sure...but it felt like he wanted something from me that would give him a way to "save face." I let him know many times after he had quit, that all he had to do was come back, and all would be forgotten. He always refused, but stayed angry. He claimed he couldn't play his best with Barry drumming, and that problem wasn't going away. I thought that was a bullshit excuse. I thought that if it had been real, it would have been an issue long before this. But there is a possibility that there was some truth to that statement, and may have been a partial factor in Charles' decision. Charles had said many times to me that he found playing with Barry difficult, at times. Although I knew there were drummers that would have fit better with Charles, and with my original vision for the band, I absolutely felt that the public response to our music had made that a non-issue...and the benefits of bringing Barry on board when we had were too huge to ignore then...and to unfair to consider now, this far along in the process...not to mention the effect it would have had on Mark, and on the band's trust and faith in my sense of loyalty or fair play, in general. To make a change in that area at that time would have made everyone question how secure their positions were, or how real my desire for a close-knit unit really was. If there was anything else I could have done or said to bring him back to the band, he never let me know what that might be, and that made me  very angry...because I think I would have done just about anything at that point to have "fixed" this situation...but that door never opened. It got to the point that we couldn't speak to each other, and being in the same room with him made me very uncomfortable...and estrangement grew into hostility...