Mark and Barry Pull Away

It was very apparent that all of us were very wounded by what had happened. In the weeks that followed Charles' departure, I saw and heard very little from Mark and Barry. I understood how they felt, because I was reeling from all of it too, but I think I was beginning to feel that they, too, blamed me for a lot of what had happened. As a band leader, I guess it was my responsibility to fix problems, not create them, and I had made mistakes...but as much as I wanted to find a solution to this problem, the only solution that presented itself wasn't a pleasant one. The reality was that the most difficult parts of creating Avalanche music were still intact. Mark and I had written all the music for the band. Mark and I did all the vocal work. Our guitar playing was the core of the musical identity that made our music so distinctive. The three of us had rehearsed for so long, and were so tight, that in time, especially with our reputation, we could have replaced Charles...but the unpleasant part of that was that it would have definetely taken time. The essence of our music would have survived. It would have been different, but it also might have even been better, at the very least from a stability point of view, since Charles had created most of the internal instability in the band. The equipment, the crew, the radio support...all of those essential elements were still intact. But when it became very obvious that Mark and Barry weren't calling or visiting, and weren't expressing any willingness to try to go on without Charles, I realized that even though we probably could have survived Charles' departure...it didn't feel like there was a "we" anymore, and I was too tired and felt too defeated to keep Avalanche going by myself. When I did try to communicate with them...to the best of my recollection...they indicated that they were done with it, and that they just couldn't go through that process again. Although I understood how they felt, I also knew that the process would have been much easier than it had been the first time, because so many things were already in place that hadn't been the first time. But by the time a month had gone by, I knew that it was really over...and my mind just kept telling me..."fuck everything"...