Heading For a Fall

 With the album nearing completion, and the only thing really holding up the pressing and distribution of the first five thousand copies was a lack of funds for that purpose, I spent the next couple of weeks focusing on trying to track down friends and customers who owed me large sums of money on their drug accounts, and who were doing their very best to avoid paying me, by staying unavailable, or below the radar. I hated this part of the business. It was so different than what I had grown accustomed to for so long, and hassling people felt very uncomfortable to me...and a lot like spinning my wheels, to a certain extent, because most of these people knew me well enough to know that if they chose to rip me off, or walk away from their debts, I was very unlikely to do much about it. Violence had never been in my nature...but because I was a suspect in two open murder investigations, and continued to be involved with highly illegal activities on a regular basis in spite of that...keeping a very low profile, and not doing anything to attract the attention of the police had become a neccessity for me...something that most of my customers were well aware of. Although they also had to fear legal consequences from their activities...I plainly was in a much more precarious legal situation than any of them...or so I thought. There was one person who I had become casual friends with a few years earlier, and had occasionally done business with over that period of time, who proved to be the exception to that rule. Jay was younger than me, who had a very likeable personality, and a way of getting people to relax that got him through many doors, including mine. Although there were times when I frowned on his lack of ethics, his carelessness, and the apparent absence of good sense in some of his business dealings, he had been widely accepted and taken in by most of my Shaboo "family"...so although I had some doubts about the way he conducted himself and his business, I did find him rather likeable...and found many people whose judgment I did trust on these matters...were dealing with him and socializing with him on a regular basis. I guess the lesson here was that I should have trusted my own instincts more...like I always had in the past. Once again, addiction, and my own tunnel-vision had clouded my judgment. About six  months before I began recording the album, Jay had gone to Florida...supposedly to visit with some "friends" for a few weeks. He ended up staying down there for many, many months instead...and after Avalanche's breakup, and my decision a few months later to record the album...I had pretty much forgotten all about him...until he returned unexpectedly, and immediately started requesting me to rekindle our old business relationship, and provide him with products that I had occasionally provided for him over a year earlier. Although there were a few rumors circulating that Jay might have gotten in some legal trouble in Florida, allegedly getting caught up in some smuggling operation gone bad...nobody that I knew seemed to be able to confirm or deny if that was true...and most people I talked with about it seemed to feel that if it were true...then Jay would be in a Florida prison. He seemed to have easily slid back into many of his old circles with very little difficulty, after returning to Connecticut. My need to generate large amounts of cash to complete the album, my shrinking customer base and ever-diminishing market share, along with my total inability to recognize that I was breaking my own rules...and taking a risk that only a year or two earlier would have been out of the question for me to even contemplate...caused me to make a decision that would change my life forever. Although people I was close to had recently had business dealings with Jay that had not worked out well for them financially, due to his inability to keep payment schedules...I ended up fronting Jay product that he should have been able to turn to cash in a few days, but the balance was still unpaid on...months later. As the album's production was now being delayed strictly due to a lack of funds, and because I was also losing the ability to take advantage of new business opportunities myself...due to my inability to pay my sources for products that payment was long overdue on...I decided it was time to apply some real pressure to a number of "delinquent" accounts...Jay's being one of them. I would make a point of being at the houses of people who owed me money every single day, because one thing I had learned about the drug business is...when somebody is in it...they are involved in it every day...and because of that, if I wasn't on top of collecting funds when they were due...they would almost certainly be re-invested on some other product, from some other source...or squandered...and then the waiting would begin all over again. I began dropping in at Jay's place two or three times a day, hoping to "catch" him at home...and I left numerous messages on his answering machine, demanding payments from him, and as I became more frustrated with him, the messages I left on his machine began to sound more and more like meaningless ultimatums to me. One day, out of the blue, Jay called me, and told me he would meet me at my house that evening to discuss the situation. I told him that would be fine as long as he had the money he owed me, and I told him that I had made plans to go to Hartford to listen to some friends of mine who had a band, and were performing at a club there that night, and who had been regular guests at the recording sessions for the album. I let him know that if he wanted to, he could come to Hartford with me to see them perform. We made arrangements to meet at my house that night...and I hung up the phone thinking I was finally going to get paid by him. I almost forgot about the conversation as the day wore on though, because my experience with Jay had been that he would make an appointment to pay me, and then never show up for it. Later that night, as I was getting ready to leave, Jay called again, and said he was on his way...and would be at my house shortly. Since I wanted the money he owed me, I agreed to wait for him, and twenty minutes later Jay was knocking at my door. As I let him in, I sensed an uneasiness in him, but thinking it was about his long overdue debt with me, I didn't think much of it at the time. We talked for a while, and then Jay paid me about half the money he owed me, which I was very happy to get, and as an enticement to him, I showed him some new product that I told him I would make available to him as soon as he paid off the remainder of what he owed me. Then I told him I needed to get ready to head to Hartford, as we were already behind schedule. I took the product I had shown him, some pounds of very high quality Gold Columbian pot, and a couple of ounces extremely high quality Peruvian cocaine which I kept in a thermos, and after putting all of it into a leather shoulder bag that I often carried around with me, I walked out of the house telling him I'd be right back...leaving him with Don, who was home at the time, and was also friendly with him.  I then walked out to my driveway, and put the bag in the trunk of my Mercedes, which, along with my other car, a 1966 Olds Cutlass convertible in mint condition, was where I usually kept most of my inventory. I  had found that by doing that, it prevented me from losing drugs in burglaries, which I had been a victim of numerous times in the past, especially when people knew I was going to be elsewhere (like in the studio, or on stage.) I had been dealing for so long without any legal problems, that I didn't even see what an unneccessary risk it was doing that...carrying drugs around when I didn't need to. I thought losing the inventory and the money it represented in a theft, was a greater risk to me, and to the album...which I believed was my ticket out of that business...than the law was. I also failed to remember that the driveway was plainly visible from the living room loft where I had left Jay. After stashing my bag in the car, I  walked back into the house, and as I got ready to leave, Jay asked if he could use the phone, because he wanted to tell a girlfriend to meet him at the club in Hartford. I told him to use the phone in my bedroom, and as I tidied up the house I listened to Jay on the phone...arranging with his "date" to meet at the parking lot of the club, and how to recognize my car. He hung up, and said he was ready, and as we left for Hartford, I was expecting a very pleasant evening indeed. Little did I know that the phone call he had just made...hadn't been to a girlfriend, as he had told me...but to the Hartford Police Undercover Narcotics Task Force...and that with my own telephone...I had just been set up to be busted.                  

The Approaching Storm

It has been a crazy few months here in Florida. I presently live in North Palm Beach, and from the end of August to the end of September, Florida was hit by four major hurricanes. Two of them impacted Palm Beach County as virtual direct hits, and a third had an indirect, but unwelcome presence here as well. Life here was seriously disrupted for the better part of two months, with loss of electrical power, refrigeration, stoves, air conditioning, in some cases water, and often, the ability to even move around in search of remedies, due to gas shortages and police curfews. In short, many of the things we all take for granted as just the normal things we enjoy in America were suddenly gone....and it was pretty uncomfortable. I took solace in knowing why it was happening, and that it was a temporary condition. And just when I thought things started to feel like life was returning to normal here again...a much more frightening storm has appeared on the horizon, and the consequences from this approaching storm, although just as uncomfortable, and just as foreign to me as an American, do not appear to be something any of us in this country will be able to recover from any time soon...because this storm is not of natural origin...it is a result of the apathy, the gullibility, the closed-mindedness, and the conscious choice of millions of Americans to surrender their rights, their freedoms, and their country to a group of people who, as I write this, are already wasting no time in consolidating their positions of power, and who are systematically, but very speedily, removing the checks and balances that were designed into the Constitution by our very wise Founding Fathers. These safeguards have been the only means we have had to keep very powerful people from usurping the power of the people...which derives it strength from the diversity of many voices and many points of view, in essence, the truth...and they were created to prevent the narrow agenda of any one group from dictating life, values, morality, and the definition of what is patriotic or "American" to the rest of us. Our National Motto has always been "E Pluribus Unum...Out of Many...One." We need to remember that our diversity is our strength. The Election of 2004 is behind us. Regardless of whatever political persuasion any citizen may identify with...one thing is very clear. There are two very different parties...and both are equally valid. Both reflect very clear-cut differences of opinion and values about freedom and democracy...and on which direction we, as a country, should be headed to best reflect those values. But both have a lot of common ground. The tactics of fear and divisiveness have obscured that truth. We are so distracted with semantics, negativity, and drivel, that we fail to see the deeper truth. We all love America, and on most points...we all agree. One of the things I have learned on my own spiritual journey is that there are truths I hear with my head, and others, the deeper ones, that I know in my heart and my gut to be the real truths. So today, with all that is within me, I believe that our Common Welfare must come first. Our personal rights and freedoms depend on national unity. It is our common love of freedom, fairness, free speech, tolerance, and mutual respect, and doing what our hearts tell us we must, that demands we make sure those values are preserved, for they are the core values that truly bind us together as a people, and as a nation. Those commonly shared values we all have as Americans far outweigh the differences of opinion we, as a people, may have on other matters...and it is those basic values and rights that now, are in jeopardy...and are so close to being stolen from us...and the irony is...the deed is being "packaged and wrapped"  in religion and patriotism...even though the two...where matters of government are concerned...are supposed to be forever seperate. Americans are split right down the middle on the question of...in what direction should this country be headed? By the narrowest of margins, we have elected a team to "guide" us for the next four years. There will always be a winning side and a losing side in any election. But make no mistake about it...there is no winning side...if the country loses its soul in the process. If that happens...then we are all on the losing side. A very narrow (and some people believe fraudulent) margin of victory will never translate as a mandate or consensus by all the people...or as a justification for adopting one political agenda over another... if it essentially means disenfranchising half the people of this country in order to do so. To do that, is to ignore every premise of fairness, democracy, civility, truth, justice, tolerance, and respect for others that this country has survived by for over two centuries. So the real question is...did the people who voted for four more years of this team really know what agenda they were voting for...or were they sold an image...wrapped up in an American flag? Was this team honestly represented to the American people...or was their record and their agenda obscured by the distortions in judgment that always arise when people let their fear and their anger make their choices for them? And four years from now, will the free election process that has made us the model for the world for over two hundred years...really be a process that still operates as it was intended to, or will it be totally corrupted, altered, or worst of all...just a memory? This seems to be the direction we are headed in. In less than two weeks since the election was conceded, there has already been a massive shift in this government. Its new face reflects the installation of, in nearly all the primary positions of power...a very small and select group of like-minded people who have their own agenda...an agenda which completely ignores the concerns of half the population in this country...and misrepresents their agenda to the rest. It appears that this new administration believes that if half the country doesn't want, or is offended by, all the changes that are happening so quietly and so quickly that even the media is dizzy trying to keep track of them all...the message clearly being sent is...that they just better get used to it...because like it or not, those changes are being imposed anyway. When the issues of Pre-emptive War, War under False Pretenses, Secrecy in Government, Erosion and Elimination of Constitutional Protections and Due Process of Law, the legalized Poisoning of our Air and Water, and complete fiscal irresponsibility with regard to the issues of Taxation and National Spending...all take a backseat to issues of religion and "moral"values...then we, as a people, have surely lost our way. Those are issues that do not require government interference...in fact, our country was founded on the premise that the people should have the right and the freedom to make those choices for themselves...rather than have the government make those decisions for them. To allow that to happen would be no less than all of us surrendering our Constitutional guarantees, and  is inherently improper, since "morality and values" are subjective, by definition. I can't speak for anyone else, but for me, that sounds a lot like what was happening in Germany in the 1930's, and back then too, much of that country was divided about what was happening there...but the superpatriots,  the zealots, and the fear-mongers in Germany who believed they were "superior" carried the day, and in the end even they were overwhelmed by the speed in which things in their own "homeland" changed beyond their control...and how fast even their rights dissolved into the mantra of "this is the way it is...comply or be arrested." My mind keeps going back to the words of Mr. Spock, from the Star Trek series, who in his relentless and irrefutable logic stated..."the needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few...or the one." What I clearly see today are the wants of the few, outweighing the needs of the many...wrapped up in a hollow message of concern for the greater good, even though the evidence, and the actions of those claiming that...prevent those words from ringing true. I know that what I see happening...and it isn't what I'm told is happening. No matter what my head wants to believe...when something feels wrong...it's because it IS wrong. And so I am afraid for us as a country. I am afraid for all of us. The problem with not learning the lessons of history...the problem with not paying attention...is that if we don't pay attention, if we don't learn from history...it will repeat itself. We are travelling very quickly down a precariously slippery slope...and the abyss looms directly ahead...unless we slow down and pay real attention to the road we are on. Although I believe that ultimately, everything happens exactly as it supposed to, and that the Universe is always unfolding as it should...I have come to know that sometimes the Universe teaches us through consequences...because pain is the greatest motivator for change. I pray that we can change the course we are on before we fall into that abyss.  I believe pain is inevitable in life...it is how we learn, and how we grow...but misery is a choice. I hope we choose to pay attention to the path we are on, while we can still change it. The time we still have left to do that grows shorter with each passing day. And no less than the survival of "The Great Experiment" in human civilization is what is truly at stake.

Overwhelmed With The Details

As the six month process of recording "Going for Broke" entered it last few weeks, I began thinking about the other parts of the project that were now becoming very important. Everything related to this album was pretty much up to me to take care of, since I had no major-label recording contract, and no management deal...and as a result of that, there was no personnel or staff taking care of all the details. Aside from writing, publishing and recording all the music...I was also producing the album myself...and releasing it on my label, Golden Sun Records. That meant that the album design...including photography, graphics, lyric sleeves...virtually anything and everything that would determine what the final product would look like...became decisions I was responsible for making...and paying for. This was new territory for me...I had gone through this process on a much smaller scale when I had released Avalanche's first single...and even that was a lot of work...but doing an album required me to pay attention to many more crucial details that didn't even enter the picture with a single. Did I want color photography on the front and back of the album jacket? Would black and white photography on the back side of the album jacket reduce my chances of having the album being taken seriously? Did I want an album that opened like a book with lyrics printed directly onto the album itself, or should I have a standard single sleeve album jacket, with a high quality gloss paper inner sleeve with lyrics and liner notes printed on that? How many copies of the album should the initial pressing consist of? Should I spend extra money to have the album mastered by professional mastering companies in New York City? I have always believed that cutting corners is something that always diminishes the final result...and I was determined not to do that...but as I started to find out how expensive putting together an album that reflected all the things that I wanted in place on the finished product would actually cost...I realized just how appropriately I had inadvertantly named this album. It quickly became apparent that I wasn't going to be able to do everything I wanted to do with the packaging of this first record...and still be able to afford to press an initial five thousand copies...which was the minimum amount that made sense. To press less than that amount would nearly double the cost per record, and would pretty much make it impossible to make any money on record sales at all. If things worked out well for this record...I really believed I'd be able to resurrect the band...and as result of that, and with the income generated from performance and record sales, I thought I'd be able to improve on some areas of album design on the next record. On top of the thousands of dollars I already owed for all the studio time, the costs involved with making the decisions about all these other things...the photographer...the photo shoot...the layout of the lyric sleeve for the printer...the decision about mastering and manufacturing...it seemed as though every expense, in every area, had taken a quantum leap from what I had anticipated the cost would be when I started the project. That was definetely my own fault. I know I could have investigated the costs on many of these things before I got started...but getting started had seemed like the only priority that mattered, at the time. At any rate, it was too late to do anything about it by this time...I already had a small fortune and my entire future tied up in this project...and to not go ahead with these final details wasn't really an option...no matter what the cost. The pressure to generate large amounts of money quickly had never been greater...and it was pretty overwhelming to me because the stress that I was experiencing from my business was at an all-time high, too. I think I just attributed that to the increased need for cash, when the truth was...the business was really changing...and along with it...the people I was dealing with. I had always stayed very aware of what was happening with all of my customers and how they conducted their business...because if they got sloppy and had legal problems...it wouldn't be long before I would, too. Paying attention to all of those details had always kept me safe from legal problems for a very long time. But as I said earlier...I was now suffering from tunnel-vision...the completion of this album was really the only thing I was really paying attention to. With all of the decisions I was responsible for making...and all the financial pressures that were quickly mounting up as a result of them...only large amounts of money to finish this project...and re-establish momentum with the radio stations and rekindle the public's interest in seeing Avalanche in performance... would enable me to get that major label deal, or sign with Tony Oteda, or someone like him, so that finally I would be able to just write, record, and perform...and leave all of these business details to the people who were professionals at doing that...which was all I had ever really wanted anyway. The one thing that I was feeling very good about was the way the album had turned out. It was a very good first album...and once again I felt that Avalanche was breaking all the rules of the music business by doing independently, something that nearly always required the financial backing and support of a major record label. As Peter and I put the finishing touches on the mixes...and selected a song sequence for the album...I realized that once again...I had taken an impossible dream...and had turned it into something that was about to become...a reality. The record sounded very good, and as I thought ahead, I tried to envision what the actual album would look like...in finished form...and imagined seeing it on all the record store shelves. Once again, I was feeling pretty good about myself...and my ability to overcome impossible odds. But I should have known from all the times I had already experienced an incredible euphoria... followed by an incredibly fast demise...that "the other shoe" was about to drop. I have since learned something in my recovery that totally escaped me during most of my active addiction. It's a really simple, but important lesson. Good things always happen when I do the next right thing...because the Universe is ALWAYS paying attention...and when I don't do the next right thing, or my motives or methods are askew...well, the Universe is paying attention to that, too. Regardless of what I think...the energy I send out to the Universe...positive or negative...healing or harmful...always comes back to me ten-fold. Although I believe the music I had created was quite good...and for the most part, very positive and worthwhile...the methods that I was using to try to bring that music to the world were not. And another important lesson I have learned is...that anything really worthwhile takes time...and manifests in reality if it is supposed to...and on its own timetable...not mine. Trying to make something happen faster, because I think something is "overdue"...is still me being in conflict with a Universal Flow that is much more powerful than I am. And when I think I'm in control of events...and when I make rigid plans and timetables...believing that regardless of how faulty my logic, my thinking, or my actions may be, things will work out exactly how and when I think they should...well....God just laughs.

To All Readers of My Journal

Hi Everyone...

I've just been notified that my Journal is a Featured Screen again on AOL Music Talk. I'm very honored and flattered. I refer everyone who is here for the first time, to my June 8, 2004 entry...which gives some background about the journal... and instructions on how to read it from the beginning (which I believe makes it much more enjoyable...to do otherwise is like trying to make sense out of a movie that you walked into an hour late. Many readers have contacted me over the past six months to tell me how compelling the story is...and there have been nearly 6000 hits on the site since I started it in October, 2003. (nearly 2500 hits since I changed the site address a few months ago) The  journal chronologically documents my life, which has been rather exciting, and at times, pretty dark...and my musical journey...which is ongoing.  It includes my gigs with bands like AC/DC, Buddy Guy, Rick Derringer, and many, many others. Thanks again to everyone at AOL Entertainment for selecting my Journal...and for anyone who chooses to read it...I hope you enjoy it...All comments are welcomed.

                                  Thanks....Michael/Navlanch

    Note: A few entries back...I strayed from the chronolgical story of my life to add a few entries reflecting my politics...and some of my spiritual beliefs, as well. This being an election year, and what I believe is probably the most important election in my lifetime...I felt compelled to write outside of the normal format of this journal...and so I encourage all readers who may be interested to check those four entries out. Please keep in mind that these four consecutive entries are vastly different than the rest of this journal. The entries in question begin with the June 30, 2004 entry..."New Risks...As the World Turns". If anyone prefers to bypass these entries...you now know on which date they begin. These entries are just my opinions...they are, however, still based largely on my life experience.

On a Mission: Suffering From Tunnel Vision

As the process of recording and mixing "Going For Broke" went on...the weeks turned into months...and the only thing I was really thinking about was just finishing the album. It was as though I was in a trance...operating on "automatic pilot" ...and I was doing whatever was necessary to accomplish that mission. I had always been very careful about how I conducted my business...and about who I allowed into my inner circle, and especially, who I had business relationships with...but I was so tired of the whole dealing thing, and I so desperately wanted to change my focus back to the one area of my life that I thought would provide me the opportunity to leave the drug business behind forever...my music...that I think for the first time in my life, I just wasn't paying attention to the changes that were happening all around me. I had been dealing for nearly twelve years by this time, and the business I had set up over all those years seemed to almost run by itself...like a well-oiled machine. In many ways, it had become a routine and a comfort-zone that had become very dangerous to me, because although my method of doing business hadn't really changed in years because it had always been so efficient and had kept me safe from consequences...the world I lived in HAD changed...and had I been paying more attention to those changes, instead of being so focused on the album...I would have recognized the need for me to make adjustments in many areas in order to remain safe. It was as if there were times when I totally forgot that what I was doing was against the law. With all the changes that were happening to the political climate in this country at that period...and the disintegration of the Counterculture mentality that had made everything in my life seem so natural and comfortable for so long...I really should have been paying more attention to what I was doing...not less. Complacency and arrogance had steadily crept into my business and my attitude...and my judgment began to suffer because I was always high, too. I failed to see the clear truth that my business was becoming more dangerous...and more difficult to maintain. For years, I had enjoyed a very steady and reliable group of customers who had never strayed...because our relationship was based on friendship and trust...as well as on the fact that I had consistently had the quality of product that they wanted...and those factors had always kept my market very secure. But as cocaine flooded the streets of America, and became the new drug of choice for many of my customers, I was suddenly faced with competition from many different places, and from many different people...including many of my old customers...who were now suddenly dealing on a much larger scale themselves...motivated by addiction and greed to cash in on the huge profits that were being generated by the explosion of cocaine's popularity. And most of my friends and customers knew each other...over many years they had met at parties I had thrown, or gigs that I had played. In the past, that had never been a problem...they had always respected my boundaries...but the changes in the marketplace...and their new addictions...had changed all of that. I started to lose my market as my customers started to deal with each other...bypassing me entirely as they all tried to increase their own profit margins. That had always been a totally unacceptable business practice...and something all of my people knew I wouldn't tolerate from them...and as long as I had been an exclusive source of quality product for them...it was a line that had never been crossed. Now that high-quality product was  available to most of my customers from many different sources...customer loyalty seemed to take a backseat to expediency. Price, and a willingness to extend credit had suddenly become the two most important factors to most of my customers...and the vast amounts of cocaine that were showing up everywhere meant that dealers seemed to be coming out of the woodwork...and were able to offer products to my customers at prices that even I couldn't compete with...even though I was much more established in the business than many of my new competitors. Extending credit became a necessity to staying in business, and extending credit for cocaine was a totally different game than it had been when marijuana had been the big seller. Somebody could easily find themselves unable to pay thousands of dollars that they owed for cocaine...because it was easy to blow thousands of dollars worth of cocaine with one bad business decision, or one party that got out of control. It often became a lot easier for people to find a new connection...than it was for them to pay off an unexpected drug debt that they were responsible for creating...and it wasn't long before the large amounts of money that were at stake began affecting close friendships and working relationships I had with people that I had known for years. I found myself under pressure to pay my suppliers for product I had fronted to very good friends and customers...but who had suddenly become unreliable...or who found themselves with serious drug problems and unable to pay...and that required me to exert real pressure on friends who weren't used to pressure...and who didn't like it very much. And I didn't like exerting it very much either...it had never been necessary in the past...and it felt very foreign to me. It quickly became apparent to me that with thousands of dollars at stake...people who had always been trustworthy and who had always kept their promises and their word...were suddenly strangers I couldn't count on to honor their promises anymore...and who had become experts at becoming unavailable when payments were due. Years of  friendship and cooperation turned to shit in the wake of full blown drug addiction. And shit always runs downhill. Many of my sources became less tolerant with me...because my tardiness began to affect their credibility, their credit lines, and their opportunities. It seemed to me that in a very short period of time...everything had changed...and the whole business was suddenly about the money. My payment schedules got much stricter, my credit lines got smaller, my opportunities diminished, and my market began to shrink...and what had once been a fairly routine exercise started to become really tedious, dangerous, and unpleasant work. And while all this was happening...my need for funding for the album was requiring me to maintain, if not increase, my earnings. As my obsession to finish the album started to get in the way of my better judgment, I found myself extending credit to people who I shouldn't have, and dealing with new people to make up for the old reliable customers who were no longer functioning with the integrity and efficiency I had come to expect from them. I was ignoring my own rules...and changing my own standards. I believed that I would only have to do that for a short period of time...because the album was almost finished. And in the process, I guess I forgot the fact that I had always been a prime target for the police...and that I had frustrated the authorities for years with my strict rules and operating procedures. Now, I was failing to pay attention to those very rules. People that at one time, I would have  chosen to not bring into my inner circle, because they operated with a different set of rules and standards than I did...standards which I considered unsafe and unacceptable...were now becoming necessary to my economic survival, and the album's completion. And I failed to notice the political climate in the country changing, too. I failed to notice the Nancy Reagan "Just Say No" policy was a reflection of a new zero-tolerance attitude about anything drug-related that was happening in America. The laws and standards for "probable cause" for police searches had switched dramatically...from the rights of the individual being paramount...to greater and greater freedom being given to the police to operate with impunity. New surveillance technologies and wiretap capabilities were developed at an unbelievable fast rate...and something was definetely changing in America. I couldn't identify it...but I could feel it. And yet, my own strict rules had relaxed greatly...at a time when they really needed to be tighter, if I was going to avoid legal consequences. I was just totally distracted with the album...and with my own drug problems clouding my judgment... I was also suffering from tunnel-vision...and an obsession to finish the album at all costs. I was about to find out that the cost would be very high...and that just because I had avoided getting arrested in the past...even though much of my life was totally illegal...did not mean that I was immune to that possibility...or that I was above the law. 

The Mixing Progresses

For the next few months, I spent most of my time in the studio mixing the album with Peter. As the process became more familiar to me, it also became more comfortable...and I realized I was actually starting to know what I was doing as a producer. I not only knew what I wanted to hear, but as I got more experience in working with the tools that were available to me at the studio...I found that it was getting progressively easier for me to "dial up" the sound I wanted. Getting drum mixes to sound right had originally required up to sixteen hours of fine-tuning and experimentation. By the time I was into the mixes on the fourth song of "Going For Broke" the time involved for drum mixes was down to three or four hours...and the end result sounded better than the inital mixes of the first few recordings had. It had gotten to the point that experimentation wasn't even necessary...we had found the "formula" that worked...and so essentially, we were able to just set the dials and move on to the next instrument in the mix. By the time the album was completed, the time involved to get the drum mix right was under two hours. The same thing seemed to be happening with all the instruments...knowing what had sounded good on a song...and duplicating that process on the next one. But there were always variables. Different combinations of instruments from song to song created new challenges in seperating those instruments in the mixes, and making sure that all parts were clearly heard at all times could still be quite a daunting task. Because there were many different guitars, and guitar parts (at times up to five guitar tracks could be found on certain songs...both acoustic and electric), and because I was trying to create the illusion that there had been two different guitar players on all the songs, just as there had been in the original band...that part of the process was very time-consuming and painstaking. It isn't that easy to take one guitar, two Marshall Stack amplifiers, and one guitarist...and make the parts sound different enough to create that illusion. One of the biggest problems that I had doing that was...I had to ignore what I was used to hearing as "my sound" (which I had spent a great deal of time and money over many years to get "just right") and intentionally use the studio's many different processing tools to create a different sound on some of the parts I was now playing, but that Mark had originally played on when the original group had been together. Any guitar player who is distinctive will tell you that tone is a huge part of a guitarist's "style"...and Mark, like me, had spent a great many years getting his guitar sound the way he liked it...and once he had what he wanted, it was very easy for him to get that sound...because he used different guitars, and had different playing techniques than I did. Most of what is involved...is simply knowing what you want to hear. But now, since he wasn't there...I had to try to duplicate what I remembered as his sound from memory...and with totally different tools than he had used to get "his" sound. I don't think I ever really pulled it off...but I knew going in...that this record would be different from the Avalanche I had grown accustomed to hearing when we were a real band. Since I had one guitar that was my favorite...and that I felt more comfortable with...I decided not to use any of the other guitars I owned to create a different sound. I thought playing the parts to the best of my ability was the most important thing to accomplish...everything else was negotiable. When the playing is precise...the mixing becomes much easier, because I wasn't spending a lot of time trying to correct playing mistakes through the manipulation of sound in the mixing process. But mixing that many guitar tracks was still quite challenging. It became quite common to spend two or three weeks mixing just one song...because I wouldn't consider a mix finished on any of these songs until I believed it was as good as I could possibly get it to sound...from the recordings I had to work with. It was the one lesson I had learned very well after the final mixes of the first Avalanche single had been such a disappointment to me. Cutting corners just wasn't an option. There was too much riding on this project. But having that attitude was starting to become a very expensive standard to maintain. Although I had already decided that money was not going to be a reason to settle for a mediocre end result...the truth was that the cost was rapidly becoming thousands of dollars per song...and that was for a studio that was relatively inexpensive, compared to what a state-of-the-art studio would have cost for me to record in. My life had become a whirlwind of dealing to make the money for the album...and three or four eight-hour  nights every week in the studio mixing. And I found that although I was making a lot of money...I was spending it as quickly as it came in. Because I was so caught up in the momentum of the project...I think I failed to notice that the face of the drug business was rapidly changing...and that the flood of cocaine onto the streets of America was creating an entirely new marketplace...a new set of circumstances...and a whole lot of competition that I had never had to worry about before...not to mention a whole new set of customers...and with them...a new set of rules and a new set of risks. 

Are We Paying Attention Yet?

In my last three journal entries, I have strayed from the telling of my life story in chronolgical order...because over the years, I have learned that when the creative juices are flowing, and the muses are speaking to me, I need to write down what I'm feeling...even if I'm doing something else at the time...or I very often lose the idea forever, because it can leave as quickly as it came. Although I am anxious to get back to the story of my life...the  events that are happening all around us at this time have provided clear examples to substantiate a lot of the observations I wrote about in those last entries.

The 2004 Democratic National Convention just ended last week, and by the time it had concluded, I knew why I proudly consider myself a Democrat. The convention was the most positive, upbeat, optimistic, hopeful, and idealistic display of American values and patriotism in action that I have witnessed in the American political process in a very long time. I had forgotten what it was like to hear intelligent, compassionate, and thoughtful speeches in their entirety. For a very long time now, we have all been subjected to the 20 second "out of context" soundbyte...which colors what we believe we are hearing because we only get the part of the story...the part that is deemed..." what we need to hear". However, it is a completely different experience when we get to see and hear the entire story. But there are very dark forces still at work in this country...that don't want us to see and hear these things, because clarity is the last thing they want us to have...and so I feel compelled to ask a few important questions.

Is it only me...or does anyone else in this country think that it is strange that with the most important election in our lifetime only three months away, and with the very future of not only our country, but much of the world, very likely to be affected by its outcome...that the convention...and with it, the opportunity to see and hear the candidates and party leaders who could very well be crucial in determining how all of our lives might change...for better or for worse...was not even covered by the three major networks...and was reduced to being less important than the next installment of "Who Wants To Marry My Dad?" Who made the decision to reduce the American people's right to hear what a potential president thinks...down to a soundbyte...or worse, to a commentator telling us what that candidate said...or even worst of all...what that candidate meant? When I was growing up, we all knew that the conventions were incredibly important...because for four days...that was the only choice that was offered to the American people on television. Because all the networks carried the conventions, and because they got the same attention as the elections do today...the message was crystal clear...nothing on TV mattered as much as what was happening at those conventions...and so we all knew how important they were (and still are). There was no Bonanza, no Gilligan's Island, no Mary Tyler Moore on convention nights. And the conventions went on until the wee hours of the morning...and people stayed up to watch them...because everyone knew that the choices they made at election time would determine what the quality of their lives would be, as a result of those choices. It was understood that elections were crucial...and knowing as much as possible about the candidates in elections is the only way to make an informed and intelligent choice. Just because the American public has more choices today as to whether they will watch or not...due to cable and satellite television...doesn't mean that it should be assumed that they are not interested and wouldn't watch...if given the opportunity. I decided to watch the entire convention on a cable news network...but for people who don't have those optional viewing choices on their television sets...the choice was made for them...they just couldn't watch. Today, the American people are expected to make choices about the men who will shape their entire future from whatever information they can glean from the first ten minutes of the evening news...even though the world we live in is far too complex...and a much more dangerous place than it was back then...and so the choices we make are much more serious and profound. Most of the information we are given today to make our decisions for this election comes in an abbreviated glossed-over form. It is second-hand information...and with a definite bias towards editting and soundbytes. Is it just me...or does something seem really wrong with that? What I want to know is...when did all of that change? And who decided for us...to make that change? And isn't the reason why this is happening...blatantly obvious?

Is it just me...or did anyone else notice that almost from the minute each speaker at the DNC concluded his or her speech...the spinmasters were already twisting what had been said, and were already attacking people who had clearly stated  an appreciation for the values that have long been honored as the values on which this great country was founded? When did those values stop being American values?  When did the patriots who embrace them all become "liberals"...a term which has no real meaning today...but has been so demonized by the media that it immediately throws a negative slant on the person it describes? When did championing fairness for all people in this country become something that the media wants to make us feel ashamed of? When did demanding truth and accountability from our leaders become an unpatriotic activity? When did doing the right thing go out of style? Why is the word "conservative" made to sound like a "good American thing" in the media...when the conservative point of view today is really nothing more than the religious and corporate agenda of the extreme right. When did  fairness, and equal opportunity for all, the ending of corporate tax loopholes, affordable health care for all, not just the wealthy...and war only as a last resort...become vilified as unpatriotic, left-wing liberalism, or treasonous...which any way you say it...sounds like a pretty bad thing? When did "Under God" and "Justice for All" become the property and exclusive doctrine of the G.O.P.? (Government of Priviledge). I thought it was my flag, too. And I still do. It is OUR flag...and no single political view or agenda can be wrapped in it. And this is our country. Our diversity has always been our strength. E Pluribus Unum. Out of many...One. Isn't that our National Motto? Aren't we supposed to be the UNITED States?

Is it only me...or has anyone else noticed that the minute some clear questions are asked...and some real solutions are offered as answers to disastrous foreign and domestic policies that clearly cannot be justified when exposed under the light of close scrutiny...an embarrased and undefendable administration uses its control of government agencies to employ the practice of immediately raising the fear level in this country with a "new" terror alert. Does anyone else notice that this is a pattern that has appeared repeatedly over the past three years...and now it rears its ugly head yet again? Is it just me...or isn't it really obvious that this is all that this current administration can do to deflect attention away from the source of their embarassment...A STRONG DOSE OF TRUTH...and the absence of good old American values in its policies? In lieu of an alternative, is distracting the American public from everything they just witnessed and digested last week...a plan to restore America's core values...the only course of action left available to them? When the facts, and this administration's record...clearly speak for themselves...why is it a radical idea to try to fix what is broken? Are we really so arrogant and inflexible as a nation that we can no longer admit to being human, or that we might be on the wrong course, or that we might be in error? Is that now considered an unpatriotic thing to do? I don't believe for a second that is what the American people think. It has, however, been the attitude and the Standard Operating Procedure for this administration. The current leaders of this country have forgotten that most Americans know their history, and that we have always honored truth, fairness, justice, and sincere, civil dialogue to create our policies as a nation...and just because the power elite doesn't think we remember it...doesn't make that true. 

Is it only me...or has anyone else noticed that when an Oscar-winning director and a patriot...makes a documentary film that clearly shows the deceptions, the blatant dishonesty, and the callous disregard for the well-being and safety of Americans by a president with an agenda...an agenda that wants to strip all of us except for the very rich and powerful...of our most powerful ideals, rights, and values...especially the truth...then that man is attacked, vilified, and crucified in the press as a radical and even as a traitor...even though the action he took is exactly what Americans who love their country...what patriots... are supposed to do?  

I don't believe for a second that it is only me that sees these things. There are millions of Americans out there that want their country back. That is why this election is the most important one in our lifetime. It is time for the sleeping giant to awaken. It is time to really get involved. It is time to say and do whatever is necessary to regain our values as a nation. If we want change...WE HAVE TO CREATE IT. It is time to stop talking and start doing. Whatever my political beliefs are...they are meaningless without real action. I have made my decision, and I am actively involved with the "regime change" that I believe is necessary if this country is to survive in a form that resembles the America that I have always loved...and the America that has always been the beacon of hope for the whole world. When I think of the word "democracy"...it is the word that best describes for me the values that created this great country. It is the word that best describes our freedom...and our way of life. Government policy and the quality of life determined by the will of the people. The thing I value the most about living in a free society, is the fact that I have the freedom and the right to make my own choices. Every day, as I pay attention to what is happening in this country, it becomes increasingly evident that I have fewer and fewer choices...and very often decisions I used to be able to make for myself...are now being made for me. And that reminds me of how life is in other places in this world...but it shouldn't be happening here, in America. When I think of the word "republic"...the only example that currently comes to mind is The People's Republic of China...a place where the people are told what they should think and what they want, and what they are going to be allowed to do. I know where I want to live...and it isn't in a place like that. Division, Fear, Power, and Arrogance...the tactics that are currently employed by the leaders elected to serve us...will NEVER equate to Unity, Courage, Strength,  Hope, and Wisdom...the principles that are the bedrock and foundation of everything that has made our country the example that it has been for all people who value freedom above all else...everywhere in the world. And real wisdom is simply...paying attention to the truth that constantly reveals itself all around us...ALL THE TIME...if we only look for it. For me, the truth is...I'd much rather live in a democracy than a republic. I guess that is why I'm a Democrat...and not a Republican. But whatever our politics might be...if we allow others to make all of our decisions and choices for us...it means we have surrendered all control of our lives and our destiny to apathy...and we will have to live in the house that we built. 

 So where do we want to be? What kind of an America do we really want to live in? The road we are currently on is a road well travelled througout history. And it has always been a dead-end. From the Egyptian, Greek and Roman civilizations...to the Feudal Systems of early European times...to Monarchies and Dynasties throughout the world in all eras of human history...to Facism and Communism...that well-travelled road has never brought us anywhere...except back to Square One. That is why democracy has been called "The Great Experiment". It is an idea that recognized the failures of the past. And in a democracy...it is the people who are supposed to rule. To quote Mr. Spock from Star Trek..."the needs of the many...outweigh the needs of the few...or the one." So the question that I keep asking myself over and over again, as if my life depended on it, is...are we going to allow history to repeat itself, yet again? Are we going to sit back...and let "The Great Experiment" become just another meaningless dream? As our control of our government steadily becomes...US BEING CONTROLLED BY OUR GOVERNMENT...I keep wondering....Are we paying attention yet?

Solutions

The previous two entries of this journal focused on my politics, my beliefs, and the reasons why I have them. They had a great deal to do with the  reasons for many of the choices I have made in my life...which brought me to this point in time...and shaped who I am today.  Much of what I stated in those entries, I believe, isn't speculation...as much as it is pure observation...but I have learned that things I have seen as "the truth" in one phase of my life...have changed and evolved with my perceptions in another phase...so before I get back to writing about my personal journey, and my music...I want to devote this entry to a principle that has always been an important part of my life...although where I put the focus of that principle today has changed...since I have recognized certain truths. That principle is simply...to not only identify a problem, in whatever area of life I may be focusing on...but more importantly...to identify, and have the courage to live in the solution. I used to believe that I was here on this Earth to try to help change the state of the world, and to try to make it a better place. I actually believed that I was single-handedly capable of making that kind of a difference, and so I tried to impose my beliefs on others...to try to get them to change...to come around to my way of thinking. Because I have always paid attention...I tried to force them to see what I saw...because I thought I was right, and they were wrong...or apathetic. But it never worked...it only succeeded in making me more frustrated, and more angry. What I failed to recognize then, was...even if I was seeing things clearly...each of needs to find our way through this life on our own terms, in our own way, and in our own time... I have no power to make anyone do anything...that belief was a dangerous illusion. That is the same illusion that keeps this world in the state it is in. But I have come to realize that I can still do my part to make this world a better place...simply by changing myself, and my personal world...because by doing that, I touch more people in a positive way than I will ever be aware of. Just as a pebble creates a ripple in a still pond which continues to extend outward...and touches places far from where the pebble entered the water...every positive and healing action I take in my life extends outward...and touches places I do not see. Ever since I came to that awareness, and changed where I focus my energy...I have had more of an ability to effect positive changes in others, and to the world I live in then I ever thought possible. 

I believe that the social and spiritual awakening that occurred in the late sixties and early seventies would have never happened if not for the steady march toward knowledge and learning that had been at the heart of the American Dream when I was growing up. "Baby Boomers" grew up expecting to go to college. It was constantly stressed to our generation that to succeed in life...education was the key. Information was knowledge. Knowledge was power. They were inseperable. And by the time the decade of the seventies began, the Boomers were the most educated and enlightened generation in history. One of the things we were all taught back then, as a neccesity to higher learning was...to question everything. To do less would be the same as abdicating resposibility for knowledge and truth to someone else...and  throughout history...that has always been a recipe for disaster. We were taught to always ask WHY things were so...not just to blindly believe what we were told. I believe that had a great deal to do with why the college campuses of this country were the fertile ground from which the Counterculture, and the social revolution that it fueled...emerged.

Everything has changed in this country since that time. Our Educational and Information systems have changed the most. Today, our government seems threatened by the people of this country having access to knowledge of the true nature of its policies and motives...even though the government is supposed to be working for us. We pay their salaries. Today, questioning everything...is perceived as a threat. Asking probing political questions...is perceived as a threat. Knowledge of the truth...is perceived as a threat. Controlling information and misinformation...has become the ultimate power. But information can never be true knowledge if the information we are given is inaccurate, false, or incomplete. It is true that today, we have the fastest and most efficient means of exchanging information than has ever existed on this planet...but most of the time, we are only exchanging information that we hear on the television  or that is told to us...it is third-hand information at best...and very rarely is it information that is based on true knowledge or first hand experience. We have surrendered all of our power...and our desire for knowledge and truth...to the control of forces we desperately want to trust...but that we can't identify...and don't see. We are told what is true...and we question nothing we are told...because we have gotten comfortable with allowing the television commentators who are friendly, familiar faces...and who have become people we believe we can trust to tell us the truth...to be responsible for determining for us what is true and correct...and what we are supposed to believe is right. We trust them to honestly keep us informed. However, the reality is that most of those faces belong to strangers we only think we know...and no matter how trustworthy or well-meaning they may be...or may seem to be...they are really just actors...paid to essentially read the "scripts" that are handed to them. By forfeiting our responsibility for thinking for ourselves and deciding our own destiny...we allow others to tell us WHAT we should think, and HOW we should think...and what we SHOULD believe in, or what action we NEED to take...we trust someone else to make the important choices for us...and therein lies the problem. Either we all create our own future...or we blindly allow others to create one for us. The  problem with that second option is...if we find out that we don't like the world or the future that is given to us after we have surrendered our resposibility for creating it...there will be nothing we will be able to do about it. We will have to live in that future...and we will have nobody to blame for it but ourselves. 

Where this great country is concerned, the solution was very clear thirty five years ago, and the solution is the same today. QUESTION EVERYTHING. I accept nothing I am told as the absolute truth...unless I know it to be the truth from first-hand personal experience, or from witnessing something myself. Even THAT can be subject to change, because as my perceptions change...so does my reality...and with it...the "truth" I thought I saw clearly. Political truths change like the wind. Today, I realize that the only absolute truths...are spiritual truths...everything else is fluid, and subject to change. Information that is a result of somebody telling me that something is true...is usually inaccurate...unless it is information that can be confirmed from large numbers of objective sources that have very high credibility for having been accurate in the past, as a matter of record. Even the most objective of sources often have some kind of an agenda of their own...so that automatically excludes the government and the media from being credible. I assume all responsibility for my own thinking and conclusions...based on careful examination of the facts I am given...and the things that I see...and the things I feel in my gut. I also assume responsibility for my choices and my  actions...I do not  give that power away to anyone. I try to PAY ATTENTION to what I see, to what I hear, and to what my heart tells me....and then I compare that information to what I am "told". If there is a discrepency...I always consider the source of the data. Personal experience and first-hand observations are very difficult sources of data to ignore. So is my conscience. It never lies. I trust my feelings...especially when there is no real ability to determine the validity of a questionable report or story. If, after I hear it...everything inside of me keeps saying "something doesn't seem right here"...I pay attention to that. It's the same feeling we have all had at one time or another...like when a used car salesman tries to get us to buy a car that has a hidden problem...or the deal just seems too good to be true...or when a friend wants to borrow some money, or needs our help with something, but when we hear the reason for the request...we can feel that we just aren't getting the whole story. A lie of omission is still a lie...and these days we almost never get the whole story about anything. There are always three sides to every story...the version I'm told by one side, and version I'm told by the opposing side...and the truth, which is often somewhere in the middle. And sometimes...the truth is entirely absent from ALL the versions. So I also try to utilize other means of acquiring information and knowledge that were, at one time, more prevalent in this country...before the media bombardment of misinformation became a way of life in America. In effect, I watch a whole lot less TV...and I pay very close attention when I do watch it...especially to the news...and to just how much of it is devoted to keeping all of us distracted for days, weeks, even months, with meaningless, pointless, and very often irrelevant stories...gossip, incivility, and superficial issues...while the really important questions are ALMOST NEVER ASKED...and if they are, they are NEVER answered in any meaningful or clear manner...and are often sidestepped...or are left unresolved. Instead of allowing the media to saturate my senses to the point of overload with faulty data...these days, I try to read more...talk more...think more...and trust my feelings more. I question more...and participate in my own destiny more. I still vote...even though I feel it really doesn't matter a great deal when I do...because I believe the entire political process has been totally corrupted...but to not participate in the process would be pure apathy...and apathy isn't a solution...it never creates change...and it is a huge part of what is wrong in this country...and the world. The 2004 Democratic National Convention was the first time in many years that I have seen that there are many, many Americans who feel like I do...and that gave me some hope. However, I also saw the media pundits immediately trying to convince me that I HAD NOT SEEN AND HEARD...what I had JUST seen and heard...and the "labels" and name-calling immediately started...to create the illusion that to embrace American principles that have always defined this country...is in some way unpatriotic or based on ignorance or blindness. Real action IS necessary. I believe that the media...because it is now controlled by powerful corporations and the FCC...TWISTS THE TRUTH that we see with our own eyes and hear with our own ears...and is the single biggest threat to truth and clarity we have ever known in America. We cannot even believe our own eyes anymore, because digital technology enables images that we see to be altered or fabricated with the click of a mouse...just pay attention to the end of the new movie "The Manchurian Candidate" if you have any doubts as to the truth of this statement. Just think...and realize how much any of us can completely alter our own pictures with a home computer. The very heart and soul of this country is at stake. And if the light of truth and freedom goes out in this country...it is extinguished all over the world. So I send emails to the elected officials who represent me when important legislation is being decided. I join  organizations like The Sierra Club, Defenders of Wildlife, Earth Justice, The Ocean Conservancy, Amnesty International, The Nation.com, TrueMajority.com, MoveOver.org  and many other human rights, animal rights, and environmental groups that are trying to be in the solution, and I contribute what I can to those organizations. I sign petitions on issues that I feel strongly about, and occasionally there are small victories...which is always better than complaining about how things are...and doing nothing. Privately, I make sure I make my views known to the people I know...and in reality, to anyone willing to listen...and openminded enough to consider what I might have to say. And when that opportunity presents itself...I let logic and common sense do most of my talking for me. However, the action that I take that makes me feel the most empowered of all is...I try to live as if I am an Ambassador for this country...as if the example I set by the values I live by...determines how we are perceived by the other members of the human family in this world. To me, THAT is the most powerful way of being in the solution...instead of being part of the problem. When I try to do the very best I can to live in a way that reflects that...then I believe I am doing all that I can do...to be truly patriotic.

The Global Solution, I believe, is easy to see...but much more difficult to accomplish. It is my belief the imposing a political or idealogical "solution" on others will never be a solution...because throughout all of recorded history...that has only succeeded in perpetuating the cycle of violence, war, pain, and misery. It has never worked...because it is illogical...and fails to take into account the human need for people to be free to be the creators of their own destiny. The solution will have to be a spiritual one. It will require great faith, great courage, and great patience. But if the problem is looked at logically...it is the only real choice we have. We have tried for thousands of years to try to solve our problems through war, violence, and control...and the outcome is always the same. The only thing that ever changes is the names of the "players". History continues to repeat itself...because we refuse to learn from what clearly hasn't worked...and never will...because it makes no sense, and defies all logic.

One very logical and powerful truth is...all nightmares end as soon as we awaken. Darkness cannot exist when it is exposed to light. Truth and light are the same thing...and light is all we need to awaken from a bad dream. We can live in fear, judgment and attack mentality...and continue to destroy ourselves, ad infinitum...or we can choose to live in love and light..and heal that which keeps us seperate and wounded. There is great power in collective energy and unity of purpose..and all great spiritual teachings, from every era and time, and from every spiritual discipline...all come to the same conclusion. We Are All One. We are a Human Family. We are all parts of a greater whole. When any part of the body is injured...the entire body is at risk. We are all either part of the solution...or we are all part of the problem. We have everything to gain...or  we have everything to lose...as a result of the choices we collectively make...as people...as neighbors...as citizens...as nations...as a planet...and as the Family of Humankind. Either we can all help each other...or  we can all go on killing each other. That is our only choice. As a species, our overwhelming similarities far outweigh our minor differences. Almost all of our differences are merely cultural differences. In the final analysis, we are, after all, just a very large family living on a rock... hurtling through space. People everywhere just want to be able to live, to love, to be happy, to have their basic human needs met, and to be able to share in the Earth's abundance...which can more than provide for all of us...if we would only share it. The total planetary imbalance of those who have more than they could ever possibly need...and those who do not even have enough to survive...MUST CHANGE...if we are to survive as a planet. To share the abundance of this world...rather than to try to amass and control it...IS THE SOLUTION. One of the greatest  Universal Spiritual Truths is...WHATEVER WE CHOOSE TO EXTEND TO EACH OTHER...whether it is positive or negative...healing or destructive...compassionate or indifferent...COMES BACK TO US TEN-FOLD. Love is returned in the form of great healing. Generosity multiplies our blessings. Violence only begets even greater violence. It is a non-sequitur to believe that peace can be achieved through violence, or that safety can be achieved through the use of deadly force. That has never worked...because it is based on faulty logic. Our fear, insecurity, judgment and attack...only create more pain, hatred, despair, misery, fear, and war...no other outcome is possible...if that Universal Spiritual Truth...IS THE TRUTH. And all of human history has shown that it is. The solution of putting the bulk of our energy into healing the wounds, rather than salting the wounds of this world is the only course of action that has never been tried. And it has always been fear of our "enemies" that has kept us from trying it. The REAL truth is...our fear of each other...is our greatest enemy. No living thing will ever bite the hand that tries to feed and heal it...once it recognizes that love is the motive behind the action, and that there is no reason to fear the action or the expected reaction, if that motive is pure, and there is NO alterior motive. Fear keeps us blind, and in darkness. Love heals ALL wounds. Love is light...and darkness cannot exist when it is exposed to light...and only when we live in light, will we awaken from our nightmare.  ONLY  HOPELESS, FEARFUL, PEOPLE...WHO LIVE IN POVERTY, SQUALOR, DEPRIVATION, AND MISERY...OR PEOPLE WHO FEAR THAT BY SHARING THE BLESSINGS THEY HAVE...THOSE BLESSINGS WILL BE DIMINISHED IN SOME WAY...BECOME DESPERATE ENOUGH, OR FEARFUL ENOUGH, TO HATE. If that Universal Spiritual Truth applies...then the sharing of blessings can only multiply...not diminish...those blessings. It is only greed...the mindless hunger for more...and the endless thirst for absolute power by small groups of arrogant and maniacal people that creates the conditions of lack, desperation, darkness, suffering, and fear, that perpetuate this nightmare.

All journeys must begin with a first step. And all journeys into unfamiliar territory require great courage...and great faith. In the end...we MUST make that inevitable change...and take that scary first step...it is the only thing that can break the cycle we have been trapped in for all of human history.The change will have to be gradual...because it will take time for our wounded human family to recognize that we are actually in the solution, and are no longer part of the problem...and we will need to protect ourselves from each other, and from our fear of each other long enough  for that awareness to come, and for attack as a solution to be seen for what it is...a lie. But when it does come...the changes will occur on a planetary scale, and people everywhere will embrace the solution. The change in focus to healing each other, rather than living in total fear of each other...which is where all hatred and violence comes from...is the only chance we have to break the cycle of violence we have always existed in. Since this great country was founded, we have always been the beacon of light, hope, and justice that has lit the way for the entire world. And now, we need to be that once again. We need to be the example...we need to be the pioneers, and we need to be the healers. We also need to be courageous. The word courage...comes from the French word "Coeure"..which means "heart"..and we CAN make this change..but it will require us to change our hearts. We need to recognize the spiritual truth..that we are all connected..regardless of how many imaginary lines we draw on maps..or regardless of when our fear or our arrogance..tries to convince us that we are not. When we see a person suffer...we all feel that pain. When we see a person laugh..we all feel that joy..no matter how much we want to pretend that we don't. The light inside all of us..is lit from the same flame. Maybe we are afraid, and in fear of each other because..to accept that we are all essentially the same means we might have to accept that we're just not as different or entitled as we would like to believe we are. The reality is...here, in America,  we are only more fortunate...nothing more..and that can change at any time...if we don't change ourselves first. Human nature can change...but it will require walking through our fear, and taking real risks. Human nature can change but the human heart must change first. That will only happen one person at a time, and one heart at a time...but the time we have left to really embrace this truth and to make this change within ourselves grows very, very, short. The greatest risk of all is TO RESIST THIS CHANGE...because with all the energy that is expended to keep us fearful, misinformed, and believing that our destinies as a human family aren't linked together..but are seperate..and with all the technology we have developed to destroy ourselves...and the blind rage that seem to give world events a life of their own today...the inevitable outcome of resisting this change is certain..and final. That change in us will happen if and when we realize it is in our own best interests to make it..and the obvious logic of it..and when we have the faith, courage, and clarity to act on the spiritual knowledge that whatever energy we extend outward..healing energy or  wounding energy..generosity and love or hatred and fear..will ALWAYS comes back to us ten-fold.  

I guess the old hippie in me is alive and well. I don't think I've ever had the chance to put down all my thoughts on this subject in writing before. I've argued with many people, for many years about a lot of this stuff, but as I said before, as I have found my spiritual way..I have learned what I think is a much better way of living and effecting positive changes in the process. Now that I have actually stated my beliefs and solutions..."YOU MAY SAY I'M A DREAMER...BUT I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE...I HOPE SOMEDAY YOU'LL JOIN US...AND THE WORLD WILL LIVE AS ONE"...John Lennon.

"When there is light in the soul, there will be beauty in the person..when there is beauty in the person, there will be harmony in the house..when there is harmony in the house, there will be order in the nation..when there is order in the nation, there will be peace in the world"...Chinese Proverb.

Too Paranoid...Or Not Paranoid Enough?

It was never my intention for this journal...this story of my life...to become a vehicle for my political beliefs. But whether I like it or not, the story cannot be told completely or honestly without my touching on those beliefs, if only briefly...because they had a major role in shaping the choices I've made in my life...and in shaping who I was...and in many ways...who I am today. One thing that has always been true...I have always paid attention to what I see, and to what I hear. As a result of that, I have found that I recognized from an early age that often...what I was seeing...was very different than what I was being told. For me, I first became aware of that at age 11, when John F. Kennedy was assassinated in Dallas. With the exception of the very early Project Mercury space flights...the Kennedy assassination was the first real news story that I was able to witness and was able to recognize...that what I was seeing was history unfolding before my eyes. I had been a huge fan of Kennedy at the time of his death...I was very idealistic, very patriotic, and I was also very interested in the American Space Program at that time...like many kids my age. Kennedy was a president that was young enough and bold enough for me to actually be able to relate to...and his goals for a Lunar Landing, and for the country in general, were more idealistic, positive, and hopeful than I had ever heard any president articulate...before then or since then...and I'm sure that is because...before then...I was just too young to notice or care about such things...and since then...we have all been living in a different America. He had a way of stirring emotions and hope in me with his words that I had never felt before...and I think people everywhere felt many of those same feelings when they heard him speak...his Inaugural Address, and his address in Berlin are two speeches of his that always come to mind for me. I was very affected by his murder...and I was obsessed with the assassination investigation and the Warren Commission Report. I had read it in its entirety...as well as Mark Lane's book, "Rush to Judgment" by the time I was 13. Mark Lane was a prominent attorney, who had been retained by Marina Oswald to investigate the events surrounding her husband's murder, and to clear his name. It was completely obvious to me, after reading both of those books and exploring the countless discrepencies and inconsistencies in the Warren Report...that the government had no interest in revealing the truth about what happened that day in Dallas. As I studied the two very different accounts of what had occurred that day, I realized that there had been hundreds of leads that were never investigated, and scores of eyewitnesses that were never called to testify before the Commission, and even more witnesses, still, that had given statements to the Dallas Police and FBI that contradicted the conclusions and findings of the Commission...but, due to the nature of those testimonies, those statements were never included in any part of  the Report. It became very clear that a massive cover-up of the true facts surrounding the assassination was the only plausible explanation. The famous Zapruder film of the assassination clearly shows that the fatal shot had to come from in front of the Presidential limousine...unless all the laws of physics were suddenly suspended for that brief moment in time. Although Oswald was alleged to have killed Kennedy as his limousine pulled away from The Texas Book Depository...the place Oswald was alleged to have done the shooting from...THAT location was well to the rear of the limousine, so the film clearly proves that was an impossible scenario. And although there were many other facts about the assassination that were ominous and chilling...and pointed clearly to an obvious conspiracy...the final two most disturbing facts of all ended up being the "clinchers" for me. Well over 100 people who had been in Dealy Plaza that day in Dallas, that had either witnessed the assassination, or had come forward to offer testimony to the FBI, the Dallas Police, or the Warren Commission...had been murdered or had died under extremely suspicious circumstances within two years of the assassination...and not one of those deaths was ever seriously investigated by anyone. I won't even begin to discuss the silencing of Oswald himself...other than to say that it happened in the Dallas Police Garage...while he was under Dallas Police control. And the most suspicious fact of all was...that Lyndon Johnson, himself a Texan, and a man who totally despised Kennedy...and who ascended to the Presidency upon Kennedy's death...personally had any and all evidence relating to the assassination sealed in the National Archives for 75 years...presumably until everyone alive at the time of the assassination would be dead. That evidence, and the truth to be gleaned from it, still remains sealed there...to this day. The country...and the slain president who was a national hero to many...both deserved far better. Only people in very high places, in positions of absolute power and with incredible secrets to hide...could ever consider doing such a thing...or have the means to accomplish such a feat...since at that time, concealing the facts of a Presidential assassination, especially one as controversial as Kennedy's was completely unheard of. Lee Harvey Oswald was a pawn in a game he didn't even know he was in. He was a terrible shot, as his Army records clearly indicated...he couldn't even hit the large stationary targets used at the army shooting range during his basic training...let alone a moving target...and the rifle he allegedly used in Dallas was of such poor quality, and the sights on it were so misaligned, that none of the FBI's best sharpshooters could duplicate Oswald's "feat" in re-enactments of the crime. The cover stories had already been written in advance, and were quickly distributed to the worldwide media, and one of those, naming Oswald as having been arrested in Dallas as the suspected shooter, actually appeared in an Australian newspaper several hours before the actual assassination had even taken place. I guess someone in the Intelligence community goofed up...and miscalculated the time difference. And the most amazing thing of all is...with all this information being clearly documented...the Warren Commission was still able to sell to the American public "The Lone Gunman Theory," as it came to be known...the totally incredible conclusion that Lee Harvey Oswald was the actual assassin...and had acted alone...which defied all the evidence, and reeked of illogic...and just feuled the suspicions that many people had of an on-going cover-up...and a government conspiracy.  And they got away with it. Even at 13 years old I knew a putrid odor when I smelled one. And by the time I was 15, I was totally convinced that there had been a Coup D'Etat in this country, because in only four short years immediately following the assassination...everything had begun to change. Once it  had become clear that the American public was buying this totally absurd explanation for one of the most savage and dark days in American History...the "new" power that was now ruling this country realized the incredible ability of the media to alter, distort, and control perception. They recognized that with the use of misinformation, they now had the power to explain, or deflect anything...given enough time. And they realized that with the right "spin doctors" they could convince the American public of anything they wanted...whether it was a result of the public's apathy, gullibility, or both. People believed what they wanted to...or what they were told or saw on television...not what they saw happening all around them...whether it was an immoral and exploitive foreign policy...camouflaged as liberation, or as the exportation of democracy...or the denial of crimes, events, or agendas that were supported by clear evidence to the contrary. Even film footage, written documentation,  testimony from very credible sources, or plain old common sense didn't seem to enter into the equation at all...and I believe it was at that pivotal moment in American history that the New World Order, which had survived in the shadows for nearly a decade...manipulating events and solidifying its power base...made its move...and openly assumed control of America. 

And all the rules began to change. Government secrecy became the rule. Misinformation became the rule. Changes in Anti-Trust laws happened quickly and quietly, and corporate mergers that eliminated competition in the marketplace and created monopolies that had once been totally illegal...became the rule. Political lobbies creating policy...became the rule. Massive increases in the prices of goods and services...with insignificant increases in wages...became the rule. Elimination of the middle class in America...became the rule. The shift to two wage-earner households as a matter of necessity...and the generations of latch-key kids that were to become the direct result of that...became the rule. In effect, the end of the conventional nuclear family...and the erosion of the traditional family values that had made America strong...became the rule. Keeping people so distracted with their own survival...that they didn't have the time or energy to question what the government might be doing...became the rule. The loss of personal rights and personal privacy...became the rule. The sale and proliferation of weapons of all types...and the de-stabilization of governments outside of our country...in effect, war for profit's sake...instead of for self-defense...became the rule. Our government inserting itself into the internal affairs of other nations, all over the world...became the rule. Corporate greed and theft...pension raiding and white-collar crime...with no accountability...became the rule. The elimination of job security and an end to the tradition of loyalty and appreciation for lifelong employees of American companies...became the rule. The exportation of industrial and manufacturing jobs to foreign countries...became the rule. Mergers with foreign corporations that don't care about America or Americans...and the selling of our country's soul to those interests...became the rule. A complete lack of any real choices in our political candidates and our political  process...became the rule. Mindless greed and absolute power...regardless of the human cost...became the rule. And a  government that no longer felt we had the right or need to know what they were really up to...because what they were up to had nothing to do with real American values...or what was best for us...as a nation...or as a planet...became the rule that mattered most.

And the principles that had made America a beacon of hope for the whole world...and the principles that had attracted millions of people to this country from everywhere...and that hundreds of thousands of brave Americans had fought and died to protect for over two hundred years...real freedom, fairness, honor, justice, truth, and the promise that our children would inherit a better America...and a better world than we had...The American Dream...began to vanish.And those values slowly became...the old rules...that no longer applied.

I haven't been able to trust or believe the vast majority of the information that has been reported as news or as "facts" from this government ever since that fabricated conclusion was reached by the Warren Commission, almost forty years ago. In my experience, most "facts" I have heard reported as news...were clearly, and continue to be...cover stories or spin...designed to protect, confuse, or conceal an earlier deception, which in turn, had been  manufactured to create yet another illusion...and all of which were designed to obscure the real truth. Because when the American public didn't care enough to demand the truth about who killed their President in 1963...it proved beyond a shadow of a doubt to the powers that were then, and are now...firmly in control...that the American people don't have the will, or the attention span...to insist on the truth...and that any "reasonable explanation" would suffice. There is also the possibility that many people who might have actually suspected or realized the truth...either felt too powerless, or too afraid to do anything about it...after all, if powerful forces within our government could kill the President and get away with it...they could kill anyone. But whatever the real reason was...whether it was fear or apathy...we had become, and continue to be...like sheep...being led to slaughter...herded into an endless maze of lies and deception that is so deep, and so convoluted...that if evidence of these truths were actually revealed today...there is a strong possibility that evidence wouldn't even be believed... or would be met with incredulity or skepticism...because it is so completely contrary to what we now perceive to be "history." I keep thinking of how profound Jack Nicholson's line in the movie "A Few Good Men" was, when he said... "You can't handle the truth!" When anyone tries to uncover or expose a dark government secret or a government deception...they are attacked as unpatriotic, or as a radical, or as a left-wing liberal, or as a mental-defective or a troublemaker...by the media, or by a government official or spokesperson... and should they get too close to the real truth...and are in a highly respected position, or have enough celebrity or visibility that people might  actually listen to them...then the attacks in the media become relentless...even though questioning what our government is doing has always been a basic American  principle. Asking questions...and dissent...are supposed to be a part of the "checks and balances" system that prevents governmental abuses of power...and which our founding fathers wove into the fabric of our society...for that very purpose. Today, the American people are kept "in the dark" about most of what this government is really doing...and all of that secrecy is conveniently wrapped up in "the flag"...and that all-encompassing phrase "National Security". Today, anyone who tries to find out WHY something is a National Security issue, is very often told..."that information is classified." If that person continues to search for answers anyway...he or she risks being labeled a danger to our National Security just for asking the question...when the fact is...the answers to any of the questions that really matter today...are completely shrouded under that label of "classified information." The real threat to our national security is the current state of affairs...which is the government controlling the people...instead of the people controlling the government...and that obscure, dark shroud of secrecy that permeates so much of our government's activities. Once, not that long ago...a person on a quest for the truth used to be called a patriot. Today, should a person persist in that quest for answers...and if efforts to discredit, to silence, or to dissuade  that pursuit of the truth just haven't been effective...he or she also runs the risk of becoming one of the numerous examples of an even more drastic form of damage control...where many people have met with unfortunate "accidents," suffered untimely deaths, or have just vanished....the majority of which have either been  explained away or ignored...by the media.

As a society...we don't seem to really want to know the truth...because to do so would mean we would have to accept our blindness, our apathy, and our denial of everything that  has changed in this country, and within our government over the past forty years...and how this government is now out of control...and more importantly...no longer in OUR control. Our denial of the dark manipulative forces that still continue to shape our perception of what is true...and what is really happening...is simply...all of us just shutting our eyes to what we do not want to see...and our minds and our hearts to what we do not want to believe...and so we go through life with blinders on...even though sticking our heads in the sand...will do nothing to protect us from the approaching storm.

As a recovering addict, and as a person  who has made some poor choices in his past...and once participated in activities that are frowned on in today's America, and rightly so (unless, of course, you are Rush Limbaugh...who is just the most recent example of "selective law enforcement")...I know that writing about this has some risk attached to it. Because of the changes I have made in my life, and the spiritual path that I am on today...I have no interest or desire to participate in any of my old behaviors which today, I recognize as totally self-destructive and as harmful to others...but because of some of the things that I once did...I know how easy it would be for me to be discredited or silenced...or both. Simply by using misinformation...and my past against me, it would be easy to invalidate anything that I might have written here in this journal that may hit too close to a sensitive area...so that the words written here would carry no weight. They may not carry any weight with a lot of people anyway...and I'm totally aware of that. People can only see...if they want to see...and if they are paying attention...but that awareness doesn't make anything I've written here any less true or any less valid. I know what I plainly see going on all around me...and most of the time...it isn't what I'm told on the evening news. The fact is...I have always paid attention...and today that is more true than it has ever been. I am drug-free, and living clean today...and the one thing I've learned from having paid attention is...when something rings true within me...I feel it in my heart, and to my core...even when my head doesn't want to believe it. And so I believe there is something we can do. We can listen to our gut to recognize the truth...instead of listening to the news networks, the spin doctors, or the political pundits. If something feels wrong...it almost always is wrong. And when something sounds right...very often, it still doesn't feel right. Trust your gut to tell you the truth...even if your head, your neighbor, or the television is telling you something different. The gut never lies. It is where our conscience lives. It is how God speaks to us. And it will always be clear about what is right and what is true. We must really pay attention to what is happening around us...and inside of us. We need to communicate with each other. We need to ask questions and we need to demand answers...while there is still time, and ways available to us to do that. The old adage..."united we stand, divided we fall"...has never been more true than it is right now...but we should be united behind the principles this country was founded on. "United" should not mean blind allegience to the policies of a government that no longer has the people's best interests at heart.  

Endless debates on both sides of every issue keep us confused and unsure of what course we should be on...and so the country is divided on nearly every issue and every question. That makes all of us vulnerable. When I am unsure about what I am hearing or seeing..I can still trust what I know to be true and right..by my feelings..and the values that I was taught as a child, in a different America. And most of us grew up in THAT America. And there is still a great strength in numbers. A huge groundswell of resistance to what is silently but steadily happening inside our government is our only chance to restore this country to the values on which it was really founded..and to restore the power of this government to where it has always belonged..with the people. But that requires us to unite behind the simple principles of truth, justice, and fairness..and to ignore the divisive tactics of  fear, judgment, attack, and doubt..which saturate the media and our senses and keep us too overwhelmed and confused to really pay attention..to the things that really matter.

I often ask myself..am I seeing and hearing this news report clearly? Is the information I'm being given here really making sense? Is this merely a distraction...just another illusion...created to obscure a deeper truth? Is there something else, other than what I am being told..that is really going on here? Is this just another deception...in order to keep me from seeing things clearly...so that I no longer continue to pay attention? Usually I end up feeling that is exactly what is happening. I usually recognize that I am being force-fed a steady diet of misinformation. It has become Standard Operating Procedure for this government, and the media it controls. It is not a coincidence that in the last ten years, there has been an explosion of twenty-four-hour-a-day television news networks...all constantly debating issues until there is no possible way to discern what is real, what is right, or what the truth is. I have had to learn how to turn off my television, and the myriad of opinions that swirl around me in order to see what is real in my world..and in order to feel what is true in my heart. But occasionally, I also ask myself...Could I just be too paranoid? And I guess that's possible, maybe I am..but most of the time..what I really believe today is..I'm probably not paranoid enough.