Fueling the Fires of Discontent

As I sat in my house, fuming about the news that Charles had sneaked away to audition for a new band, I tried to handle what I was feeling...the only way I knew how to...by getting loaded. The higher I got, the more I focused on my feelings...and my disappointment. I  didn't even think about what Charles was feeling, or what was happening with him that could have driven him to do this. When I look back on it now, I understand it a lot better. Charles needed to be playing...and we weren't...my brother had seen to that. Charles needed to see progress and momentum...and the second record being banned had temporarily killed that. Charles needed to feel hopeful...and my breakup with Annie, and the loss of her agency's support had probably dashed a lot of his hopes about us being signed quickly...which would have fixed those first two problems. And Charles needed to be coddled and stroked, and I had been doing that for so long...I had gotten very tired of having to constantly keep doing that...it was exhausting...and it was taking a lot of my energy and a lot of my money...that both could have been better used to help us get back into the studio, and back on track with the radio stations, the public, the clubs, and the managers. As I got good and worked up that weekend, I forgot just how fragile Charles could be...and that I needed him more than he needed Avalanche, and that the best way to deal with this was to just understand his frustration...let him vent...and then tell him we were going back into the studio to make a new record. But I kept thinking that would never happen now...because it seemed like Charles was as good as gone...and that was not true...it was faulty perception again...that I had made completely real in my mind. The way I chose to deal with this was totally wrong...I just couldn't see it...then. It seems so clear, in hindsight. Instead of trying to embrace Charles and let him know just how much I valued his friendship, and how vital an asset to the band I considered him to be...I was getting ready to attack him for what he was doing. My pain, the drugs, my righteous indignation, and my fear, were fueling my faulty thinking...and they were about to fuel Charles' discontent, and his loss of faith in me...and in the band.