Trying to Fill The Void

After three years of nearly non-stop activity, the breakup of Avalanche left me with an incredible amount of down-time and boredom, and in the defeated state of mind that I was in, that was about the worst possible scenario...with my history of addiction and dealing. Drugs were a normal part of my day to day life anyway, and since I had built my business up to finance the band, the fact was...they were never in short supply. As long as I had a purpose, and the drive to succeed with Avalanche as my primary motivation, I hadn't had to deal with the issues of the murders, my addiction, and the consequences that had resulted in my life from them. But now there was a huge void...the entire focus of my life and the reality that I had been living for three years was gone...literally overnight. A truly meteoric rise, and a fast demise...again. It was too familiar. I was feeling tired, angry, defeated, betrayed, frustrated, and confused. The band, which had really been my family for three years...was gone too, and the loss of so many people I had been very close to for so long, left me feeling very alone and empty. Even the feeling of validation and love that I had felt from audiences was now a rapidly fading memory. And all of my old pain was back, too. I was grateful that I had three really close friends in my life at that time. Bruce, my friend, partner, and housemate...Patti, who had moved in with me....and finally...the drugs which had always been there for me. And the four of us started to hang out a real lot together...along with Bruce's girlfriend Laura, who eventually moved in with Bruce. Using was the only mechanism I knew to take away the pain I was feeling, and to try to fill the vaccuum I was experiencing in my life. The four of us would party non-stop for days, doing huge amounts of cocaine, pot, champagne, opiates...whatever. I remember Bruce and I splitting thousand tablet jars of Percodan, and then us needing more...three or four weeks later. Our idea of a party would be to start getting ready to watch Saturday morning cartoons...on Thursday night. Bruce and I had grown very close over the three years that Avalanche had been happening, and now we were spending nearly all of our time hanging out together. Neither of the women at the house were capable of keeping up with us...but unfortunately, they tried...