The Pain of Self-Doubt

After the breakup of Avalanche, the awareness that I had alienated Annie, a good friend and powerful ally in my life...because I thought I was in love with someone who had quickly brought chaos and pain into of my life...and which had probably contributed to me, and many other people, from seeing the realization of a dream...the band's success...was very difficult for me to accept. I couldn't believe how wrong I had been about my perceptions of those two women...and how that had resulted in such monumental consequences. I started to think that my ability to see things clearly had always been faulty, and that Avalanche, and my perception of it, had been a fantasy that I had made real in my mind. Today, I believe Avalanche was exactly what it was...an extremely good band. I have always had a tendency to doubt myself and my choices, even when I have made really good ones. Second guessing myself is a reflex...it is the nature of the disease of Addiction. Self-doubt, low self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy, judgment of self and of others...are all clear symptoms of the disease...and they all create a lot of uncomfortable feelings...and since the disease is about oversensitivity to all feelings...my self-doubt was huge. My actions and their consequences were undeniable...and although I knew that I had sabotaged myself, denial of that, another symptom of the disease...took hold. I chose to focus much more on the very obvious sabotage I had experienced at the hands of my brother. The pain of self-doubt, rage, betrayal, frustration, and of loves lost in many different areas of my life created an overwhelming feeling of defeat and self-loathing which sent me headlong back into pain relief. I used  substances that I knew worked best for pain...opiate-based narcotics. It was an unmistakeable slide back into opiate addiction...I guess it had never really stopped...as I said, I had mistakenly believed that I only had a problem with one specific drug...when the truth was, I had a problem with me, and would use anything to not feel those feelings. As my Percodan and cocaine use spun out of control, I was about to get into an extensive period of abusing a new substance for me...Opium...and from there...it is a very short trip to heroin.