Addiction...Faulty Perception and Bad Judgment

As I said,  I feel I was starting to make some poor decisions. Up until this point, I am still amazed at how clear and rational most of my decisions had been, especially when the heavy drug use is considered. I attribute that mostly to being so focused, so intent, and so inspired, that good feelings hadn't gotten in the way of clear thinking. I had felt invincible. When lots of things started to go wrong at once, and I was forced to deal with how powerless I was over a lot of those things, my fears, insecurities, and anger started to resurface, and with the drugs added to that mix, my perceptions and my thinking started to become distorted. And I had a lot of feelings coming up. I was very upset with the setback we had experienced with the second record, and its impact on the psyche of the band. I was also becoming increasingly aware of the fact that my brother was having no trouble getting bookings for the band we had helped him put together a year earlier, but was doing absolutely nothing in the way of helping us. I felt very betrayed and confused...because we were brothers. I thought he was aware of the trust I had put in him...hell, I had put everything that mattered in my life...and our entire future...in his hands. There was no way anyone with his connections, should have had any trouble finding places for a band like us to play. His lack of follow through was putting the band in jeopardy. I also felt very betrayed by Charles, because the friendship, trust, and confidence he once had in me and the project, seemed to be changing. I looked for comfort from Patti, who I had been spending more time with, but she was also becoming erratic as the drugs took hold of her. The truth was...I wasn't getting a lot of relief from an onslaught of uncomfortable feelings except  from drugs...and whatever I was feeling was being magnified by my drug use, and being high became a comfortable place during an uncomfortable time. Today, I think the drugs just added to my confusion, my fear, and my overreaction to things...I just couldn't see that then. Anything I had feelings about, the drugs just distorted my perceptions of that much more. And I think that was probably happening to all of us. As the AC/DC date approached, that process was starting to rear its ugly head. As I look back, I can see how it created a chain reaction of events that became very destructive...and that 90 days just kept feeling like an eternity...