The Feelings from Dealing

One of the things that I experienced as a result of having drugs in my possession and in my house 24 hours a day, 7 days a week was the awareness that my life was totally illegal, and therefore I was always a target of the police. And after my experience with the police after the murder, I was sure that I was an even higher priority to them, since the case was still unsolved and open, and there is no statute of limitations on murder cases. I knew that some members of the community, and some of the police, still considered me to be a person who had gotten away with murder. So I trusted very few people. I was always fearful of being set up and busted by someone who might try to infiltrate my "inner circle". I figured if that happened, my credibility as an "innocent person" would be gone, and to then frame me for the murder, with a circumstantial case, would be easy for the cops to do. So on top of all the feelings I had returned to Connecticut with, my return to dealing added a new level of fear and paranoia to an already overwhelming smorgasborg of painful emotions. It was around this time that I first tried cocaine. I liked it. It made me feel powerful, which was very attractive after feeling so completely powerless at the hands of the police... and the band in Detroit. But it was very expensive. At that time, cocaine was not a mainstream drug like it is today. You had to be really well-connected to even get cocaine, and back then...it was the real thing...ether washed, from Peru, and often over $100.00 per gram or about $2200.00 per ounce. It was called "the rich man's drug" for that reason. Back then, it was processed in small batches, made by chemists, from labs in Peru or Bolivia...it wasn't kerosene-washed crap made by farm workers in chicken coops in the jungles of Columbia, like most of the cocaine that has been available since the early 1980's. And because of the quality, and the ingredients...it had a very euphoric high. And it was very illegal, with far greater penalties than pot...if you were caught with it. Getting involved with cocaine, and cocaine dealing just added to my fears, my paranoia...and my isolation...but I loved the way it made me feel..and I didn't worry about the cost...or the consequences.