A Clarification

I need to say this before going any further...that writing about this stuff is difficult and still uncomfortable. This  journal is an exercise in self-acceptance. I have no desire to glorify my actions or my drug use. These are just the facts of my life, as I remember them today. I am not proud of a lot of this stuff. I am also not ashamed of it, either. I did the best I could, with the life skills, abilities, and perceptions I had at the time, to get through events that I wouldn't wish on anybody. The journey was crazy at times. If it is uncomfortable to read, then think about how much more uncomfortable it was to live. As the story approaches the present, more will be revealed that I hope will show that the drug stuff was just a wrong turn I made, and that after I made it, I got lost.. and couldn't find my way back. It was the means I used to survive until I could get back. By using drugs to relieve the pain I was in, I never realized that I was only treating the symptom of pain, and not the real causes of my pain, and my avoidance of the core issues just allowed those issues to get worse. For me, using drugs was like putting a band-aid on an bleeding artery..eventually it stopped working. I had to face all the feelings and pain I ran from, to get any real peace. I have the disease of addiction..a condition of the mind and spirit that causes me to live "habitually", and have a generally negative outlook, low self-esteem, self-doubt, self-pity, judgemental attitudes, paranoia, and a knack for believing the faulty data those feelings create in my brain... and acting out on that faulty data as if it were true. And that can be very self-destructive, because that mindset...exaggerated by drugs...becomes "screw it all". Just for today, through the miracle of recovery, and the grace of a Higher Power, most of those symptoms are in remission, and my life is good today, and filled with many blessings, beginning with..I'm still breathing. I'm still a creature of habit, I just work very hard to develop new and positive habits, to replace the old and destructive ones. I'm not hopeless today. By reading this, maybe someone else trapped in that nightmare, will get the hope and courage they need to seek help, and attempt to change.