Thoughts After the Show

After we had finished our set, and I had a chance to just take it all in...it was pretty overwhelming. I remember literally hunderds of people coming up to all of us to congratulate us. I knew we had done well, but after spending the past few years almost hiding from the world, I just wasn't prepared for so many people..suddenly wanting to get close to me. I mean it felt really good... but there was still a part of me that was scarred from how I had been treated after my Mom's murder, and during my heroin addiction, and I couldn't help but wonder why none of these people could see I was always the person they now saw. But I guess if I'm really honest about it, I really wasn't. I had gone from being a local celebrity, to a suspected psychotic murderer..to a junkie...to a person who had just done something extraordinarily difficult for anyone to accomplish. I guess the one part of the plan I had never devised..was how to deal with the feelings I would experience if the plan succeeded. All of that self-doubt, and insecurity was still in me...I was still wounded...and the disease of addiction was very much alive and well in me, because I was in denial of the fact that I had just substituted substances..which just fed those feelings. But all in all, I was very content. I felt I no longer had to justify my life or my existence to anyone..and that music was still the most powerful force in my life. Mark, Charles and Barry, and all of the crew had risen to the challenge, and had done their jobs remarkably well. There were no obvious mistakes, no technical glitches, no real problems at any time during the show. I realized it was only going to get better, as we all got more used to performing...and as using all the gear and working with each other became more of a routine. And it was amazing to know that the audiences loved the music before the music even started...the energy I felt from the crowd..and knowing that it was our music...created out of our collective efforts, and literally out of thin air...that was fueling that energy...is probably the greatest high I had ever experienced in my life. That night, after reflecting on, and savoring the day with the guys in the band and many of my friends from my inner circle...I slept very well.